In addition...

Crowley himself tells me, through his lovely and insightful Thoth deck, that

"Consciousness has fallen into a realm unenlightened by reason. This is the world of unconscious primitive instincts, of the psychopath, of the fanatic."

I'm staying the path. It's cruel and difficult, but I know in my heart that it isn't wrong. I've just sort of been going at it the wrong way.

Hallo-what?

Tonight was to be the one night I had for myself. Every year, for many years, I take Halloween night, and *do* something. I won't get into detail, but I take advantage of the magic of the night, and the thin veil between the worlds. I've seen and learned many things in Halloweens past. It's my night to strip away all the ceremony, light a nice fire, and just fly with the spirits. It's a night of discovery, gifts, and my opportunity to genuinely give thanks. Except last year. Last year, our mundane plans took us far from home, and out till two am. By the time we got home, I couldn't muster the energy to do anything besides fall into bed. And this year. This year, the bar was raging so loud, the sounds filled our whole house and yard, like the entire population of the bar was instead partying on our back porch. It was also raining out there. Inside the house, they were watching loud TV, playing video games, drinking, and being generally obnoxious. I was literally running to every corner, finding it loud, filled with people or junk, and everything became entirely frustrating. I wound up going upstairs to my only "sanctuary" and finding it a disaster. My book room was filled with things that belonged in the attic, my table and chairs filled with clothes and paperwork. When did things get so out of control? Where did my sacred spaces go? My only time, the only thing I ask for the whole year is no longer mine. I used to slip off around 11 pm on Halloween for a ritual bath, then out the door, into our quiet dark yard. Tonight, I circled around and around, till I wound up curled on the foot of my bed, crying. Where did it all go?

Sitting on the bed, crying, I started praying earnestly with nothing to offer but my heart and my whole self. I prayed for control of my own spiritual life. I prayed for a message, some sort of guidance in helping me get my shit together. I prayed for internal harmony, peace, and calm. I then decided, at midnight, that I would rest awhile, and get up later, when the night got quiet. Before I fell asleep, I fell into a deep state of meditation, and got some huge insight. The Universe told me to reclaim the house next door. It's a whole old house, being used for not much more than storage. I saw myself hauling junk out of the front door, and scrubbing the lovely hardwood floor on my hands and knees. I saw curtains hung, and a table and chair in the living room. I saw me creating my sacred space over there.

I slept unsoundly for a few hours, and now here I am. I walked all over my yard, now in pitch blackness and wet. I lurked around the house like a ghost, deciding whether or not to go about my usual Halloween thing here at 3 in the morning. I decided that I got the messages I needed, tonight, through meditation, and later lucid dreaming. I'm sitting here now, with my deck, and this blog to help me clear things up and try to understand this night's events. Everything happens for a reason.

I feel like tonight, and this past year has been very muddled. A spiritual "rock bottom" I think. Too much thinking, too much speculating, categorizing, demonstrating, showing, telling, explaining. Not my way. Not my choice. I was lamenting about not having any physical space to retreat to, well that goes for mental space as well. I still have secrets, and private things, Divinely speaking, but they're very few. I find myself constantly explaining myself, my philosophies, methods, and personal dogma. It's not me. It's not my way. Stressed out and bogged down, in details, it leads to apathy sometimes.

The cards I've pulled have reflected it. As for my vision of utilizing the house next door? "fine," the deck said, "but you'll still have to share it, in some way, and it won't be exactly fulfilling.". As far as a general feeling for tonight? The Five of Swords, Lord of Defeat. Overthinking, internal conflict. I'm right there.

This is my gift, from this night. A lesson in frustration, and the reasons why. Now a way to fix it. I have to take this information, and this failure of an evening and learn from it. Let it motivate me, and give me strength and energy to fix things. Now I see a problem, and now I must pro-actively change it. It might cause conflict in other areas of life, but I have to prioritize.

Tomorrow is still on. Day of the Dead, when we officially visit the graves of loved ones, make offerings, spend time reflecting and praying for and with them. I say officially, because these loved ones are always with us, and we're always thinking of them, but November 1 is always a huge deal. This year, I think it will be especially comforting.

9 of Pentacles

I have seriously been neglecting my blogs. Ah well, it's summertime. There's no shortage of things to write about, just the time to write them.

I've joined a Tarot team, over on Sparkpeople, and one of my assignments is to do a daily draw asking the question "what is my health-related message for today". I post about it on my team, but always in brief. I'm going to start logging my dailies here, in depth.

Today is 9 of Pentacles, Druidcraft

It's been a rollercoaster week, for starters. Lots of stuff happened, doctor visit, new tattoo, debilitating migrane all day yesterday, lots of new things, and minor changes. 9 of Pents here is telling me that I'm doing fine, but I have to remember to slow down a bit and take care of myself. She's reminding me to make an appointment for PT, and stay active. Something profound, though. She's bordered by a thick stone wall, but etched onto the wall are the 9 pentacles. It's a fence, but staring at the inside of it is a reminder that magic is anywhere. What I might percieve as a limitation, or boundary can still be positive.

Never ceases to amaze

Alden and I were chatting, I told him "remind me to send an email to Grandpa, and badger him for the itinerary." He's gonna be here on Monday, and I still hadn't heard when/where/what flight. We joked about it, but I did wind up drawing the card. I pulled The World, which said a buncha things about his flight, but timewise, I told Alden "late morning, like 11ish, but it will take us a while in travel, to get back to the house. We might not get back till the evening, it could take all day."

Results? I just got the itinerary today, and he's arriving at Newark Airport at 11:30 am.

We'll see how accurate the rest of it was, on Monday.

I worry about that Empress card I pulled for Nikki on Sunday. Pregnant? I wouldn't say yes or no, yes keeps kicking around my head, but pregnancy is a big thing. I mostly got from the card "be careful, you're fertile. You're ovulating, in fact. Quit fucking without protection." The Empress can be so bitchy sometimes.

I have been on a roll lately.

A reading, this afternoon

In about three hours, I'm going to read for my first "appointment". I've read for friends, friends of friends, family, my mom's friends, myself...I am about to read for a sort-of aquaintance, friend of a friend type. She contacted me earlier in the week, asking for a reading. Of course I said yes, that next time we were all together at a mutual friend's house, I would. She was like "No, I really need one, soon. I'll come to you. I'll PAY you." So she's coming here at 2, today. It feels like a small step into pro-reading. As the circle grows ever wider, I feel more comfortable with the idea of paying me. I put a lot of love and effort in, when I read for other people.

I plan on figuring out her soul card, for her, along with the reading. I'm not sure which deck to use. Sacred Rose has been good to me, so far, but it's still new-ish. Reading for a new person makes me nervous, reading with a relatively new deck makes me nervous. I suppose I could put out a few, and let her choose. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I've been cleaning the house since yesterday, not necessarily for my guest, but because it was due. It's not exactly done, but the corners are cleaned, all the dirt and fingerprints are gone and the laundry is done, and everything is overall bright and shiny. I think that's important, to the energy. I know, if I went to someone's house for a reading, and it was a chaotic mess, I would feel ill-at-ease.

Either way, it will be pleasant. I baked lemon cookies, and will be making a pitcher of some kind of iced tea. Maybe black tea with mint, or green tea with lemon verbena, depending on what's going on in the herb garden. I'm looking forward to it :)

Then it goes deeper...

This is the second part to the post below, detailing some deep thoughts, and heavy conversation we had on the porch, today. It involves, The Rose, God/dess, spirituality, and different views.


Luiz got done stretching the canvas, and somehow missed me doing these two cards. He asked me to pull them out again, so we could talk about it. I pulled the Ace of Pents again, and he helped me form more ideas about it. Then, on impulse, I pulled all the Aces from the deck, and laid them out in a square. I said "It feels good to look at these Aces, all together, like this. It reminds me that all our gifts are from the Goddess. All of these are in her realm, and hers to give." He looked at me askance.

Seeing all the elements emerge from the center of the rose, what a wonderful visual trigger. To me, the rose has always equalled Goddess, even as a child, before I had a name for Her. I never felt safer than when I was sitting on the grass in my mother's rose garden. I've never felt more nurtured and cared for, then when I was at my grandmother's side, carefully making the rose hips into tea, or jam. I have never felt more loved, and cherished, then when first my father, then my husband presented me with gifts of roses. Roses on my birthdays, roses when I was in the hospital giving birth to my son, roses for passion. Roses, from my earliest consciousness have always had something to do with Mother/Daughter/Lover.

Luiz, in the past year, has been on a spiritual journey. In a nutshell (and, he can go into detail about this on his blog, in fact, I think he should...) he's moved from strict, conservative Christian fundamentalist background, to, well, who knows, because he's not there yet. He's learning, and reaching, and has broken out of that, and trying every day to leave that behind. He longs for structure, leans heavily on patriarchial ideas, thinks of God/dess in highly specialized gender roles.

He views them in some sort of hierarchy that I couldn't begin to guess at, but leaves Goddess as a "sister" figure, to man, and God as THE FATHER. That, like, denigrates everything I believe in. I'd be lying if I said it didn't offend me somewhat. It might have to do with his presentation of his ideas, and how he packages then. On the other hand, I must remind myself that he has come a very long way just recognizing that GOD THE FATHER of his past, and who he emulates has a feminine side.

I won't discredit or brush his notions off, but I felt like he had a longass way to go in recognizing the equality, and the balance, and what the Divine Union really means. That everything is in the realm of the Goddess. Everything is also in the realm of the God. He's got very structured, very hierarchial roles in mind. I don't normally argue with people's notions of divinity, but even he admits it, he's not really experienced, or learned about all the aspects of the feminine. He comes from a lifetime of opression, being told "cower at the father's feet, fear HIM, fear displeasing HIM, you are human, made of dust, nothing in HIS mighty presence". Which is...er, cough, bullshit. I could do another huge blog entry on the many levels of bullshit that statement is.

Either way, those four Aces, laid out like that, not only filled me with such joy, and reminded me that all gifts are from our great Mother, but it opened up a huge spiritual discussion between Luiz and I. I feel better knowing how he looks at things, and that maybe he'll broaden his experiences more, to form a more educated, world-view, opinion. Because that's really all I ever ask of anyone. Form your own opinions, please, do not follow what I do, it's my path. Just learn. Expose yourself to cultures from every Aeon, from every corner of the Earth, then come exchange ideas about the God, the Goddess, earth, air, fire, water, the divine union, and everything therein.

It all started with a question...

It started out, simple enough. I was sitting on the porch earlier this afternoon, keeping Luiz company while he put the stretcher bars together for his canvas, for The Rose. This is a highly spiritual painting for him, loosely inspired by the rose, as represented in the Dark Tower series. I say loosely, because since he's read that book, he's been tracking down and researching rose lore, anywhere he can, adding to his knowledge bank...and my own. But, the act of putting the wood together, and me hanging out on the porch with my cards seemed mundane enough.

We were idly discussing my conversation with our friend Schuyler, last night. I suspect that he is starting to think I'm crazy. He's very scientific, very grounded in tangible realities, a natural skeptic. I was talking about how we both suffer from a pretty heavy inferiority complex, he's empowered by fitness, working out, molding and shaping his body, it's his *thing*. I confessed, that I feel most empowered when I'm holding a deck. With the cards in my hand, I feel very connected to God/dess, and quite ready to handle anything. They've taken on almost a talismanic feel. I find myself holding them, or moving the bag around in my hand, during troubling or stressful times. I pour tons of my energy in these cards, and sometimes I need to take some back.

Schuyler doesn't really hold to all that. He's open minded enough to say "if it feels good, then do it" but, he doesn't believe in Tarot, because it's not provable. Arguably, he has very little exposure to Tarot, and similar things. I'm not going to like, attempt to convert, or argue with him. Mainly, I was concerned if he thinks I'm crazy. I've always been very tight about my spirituality, only recently coming out of the closet about my beliefs, my usage of divination, all that. We've been friends for seven years, and only recently do I let that sort of thing creep into our normally deep conversations. I just feel comfortable. Is it misplaced? Does he think I'm a wackjob? Naturally, asked the cards.

I asked "Does Schuyler think I'm crazy, when I speak of spiritual things?" The card I pulled (from The Sacred Rose, naturally) was the 10 of wands. It means he doesn't think I'm crazy, so much as the conversations run a little too heavy for him, at times. We have been getting much more existentialist, lately, and he might feel overwhelmed. I then asked "How should I steer our conversations, then, in the future?" Ace of Pents. To me, the Pentacles symbolize magic in the mundane, things in the realm of the physical, things you can touch, see, earn, and shape. Money, your body, dirt, and everything in between...which, amusingly enough, is what we talk about normally. Maybe not so much "magic in the mundane" but Ace of Pents tells me that it's okay to bring a little of that in. We do have deep psychological, sometimes philosophical conversations, encompassing the meaning of life, and happiness, and what it is to love and be loved. This is all good stuff, for topics. He shies away from speaking of divinity, the cosmos, intuition, psychic abilities, anything he can't touch, he can't trust.

I was quite satisfied, with those answers. Put the cards aside, and just continued to soak in the day.

Illuminating

It's so late, but my mind is tick tick tick ticking. I should drink small, intense doses of caffeine more often, at night. But, for practicality's sake, it should not be a Sunday night...



I had a whole evening with friends, and the cards, tonight. It was an effervescent evening, good food, lots of laughs, and some amazing readings. I read for these folks, a lot. It's become just a normal event, every time we hang out, it gets conversation flowing, and helps us relate to each other better, on a friendship level. Of course, we learn a lot about each other, as well.



I've been reading for other people, in various ways, with different forms of divination, for years. To this day, (literally) I still have moments that shock and amaze me. We were playing sort of a game, with the cards, today "what question is in my head? Pull a card an answer it" I use that method for privacy, too. Tonight, it was more lighthearted. Suzanne asked me to draw a card, for a question she was holding in her mind. I shut out all the room-chatter, and formed a bridge from my third-eye chakra, to hers, it was so "there" I could almost see it as an indigo...er, haze, no that's not right, thread isn't quite right either. Bridge will have to do. An arc of violet-indigo-energy...anyway, I did that, then drew the card. I pulled the Hanged Man, and said "Wait. That's all I have to tell you, just wait around, and think on it."


Her question? "Should we get going, and let Lisa and Irv get some sleep?" We were all comfortable and cozy, great conversation, good food, and coffee...no one really wanted to budge. who cared that it was edging on midnight. It was cute, the card showed her that we really meant that, and weren't just being polite.


Usually, when I sit with a querant, I try to get our energies on the same page, swirling and harmonizing them. Sometimes, it's like trying to jockey a team of wild horses. Some people just bring all manner of zingy, all over the place, energy. I've never outright tried to hop over and bridge to them, I've never thought of it, never tried it. I can see that it might expose me to all manner of good or bad mojo. I can also see it being exceptionally draining, if done too often in a short time. I wouldn't try it with someone I didn't trust inherently, nor would I use it for much else besides reading for them. It does get me thinking about myriad possibilites, though.

Getting to know Sacred Rose -really-

I've been thinking about this post since last night, and throughout this morning. It's something I've been procrastinating about, in fact.



I tried doing it "by the book". Like I said, I was away from Tarot for a bit, and the Sacred Rose was my first new deck since my hiatus, so with that, I said "Lisa, you've got to really dedicate yourself to this, and journal, and research and meditate." So, I tried, I really did. I floundered. Who's kidding who? I suck at rigid. I suck at by the book. I journal well, as long as it's in a freeform stream of consciousness kind of way. I lose at lists and bullet points. I figured I better just clear this up now, before I harsh my chi, and lay the deck and the blog aside for a long time. I'm flighty that way, it doesn't take much for me to put myself off of something.

So last night, I grabbed her, and started reading with her. This is one of the most intuitive decks that I have. In the new deck spread, the card that came out that represents the Sacred Rose is The Magician.

I spent a lot of time just flipping cards, we were walking through the Universe last night, and I learned a great deal about the deck, that no amount of rigid journaling will ever teach me. She has professed her will to work with me, and replace one of my most well used decks, for awhile. I've laid aside the Robin Wood, as my working deck, and picked up Miss Rose. Yes, it's very feminine, mystical, magical, laden with secrets, sometimes she has a confusing way. She has a wry sense of humor, and she's a bit overbearing, and apparently does not take well to being rigidly cataloged. Well and so.

Here's to a long, crazy, working relationship with The Sacred Rose Tarot.

I'm going to hide the posts down there, of my earnest attempts at journaling, so as not to confuse myself, later in life.

Magical Catty

I am currently doing what I planned on doing. Cleaning out my Tarot chest, and organizing my burgeoning pile of decks, and bags, sorting my little white books, and just spending time with them. I am feeling better and more connected already. I had to abandon the pile, half done, to come talk about Harmony for a little bit, though. My thoroughly magical familiar, Harmony.

I went out on the porch for a few minutes, to talk to my son and one of the neighbor kids, leaving my Tarot chest open, and my decks strewed about the table. I was in the process of folding all my cloths, when I left the room. As I'm chatting with the neighbor kid, I hear Miss Harmony maowling piteously, her lonely "where did you go!?" mao. I came back inside, to find the chest closed tight, and her perched on the lid, like a gargoyle, looking at me with crazy eyes. I walked over to her, murmuring, calming her down, reassuring that I didn't really go anywhere, just outside for a minute, she calmed immediately, and jumped from the box, onto my shoulder. (This was cute when she was a baby, now it's 15 pounds of claws and ouch, but I indulge her).

I thought it was so charming, that she was guarding my stuff from God-knows-what, and worried about my disappearance, I came right over here to talk about it. She was curled around my neck for a minute, but now she's standing protectively on the back of my chair.

Harmony is my familiar. She came to me, despite the "no cat" and "no more pets" rules we had in place. She came to me a bit too young to be weaned, so I had to care for her, for a bit, and feed her cat food and kitty formula, till she got the hang of it. She rode around on my shoulder, or in my shirt, or draped across my neck for the duration of her kitten hood. She slept mixed in my pillows, or between my ankles. She even named herself. We had a two week long debate about her name, till one day, I was laying on my tummy on the bed, reading a Earth Air Fire & Water, by Scott Cunningham, looking something up, when she planted her kitten butt down on the page, and framed a word with her two front paws. "Harmony". I looked at her, and was like "really? That's what you want? Okay...." And it stuck.

She is not a nice cat. She is not a cuddly-wuddly docile pet kitty. She is a bi-polar diva, who will lay around all sweet and alluring, till someone stoops to scratch her exposed white belly...then WHAM claws and teeth. She needs to be near people, she wants you, she wants your adoration, and attention. On her terms. Only. She keeps the other pets in check, and mannerly, even if she isn't very mannerly herself.

Most importantly, she is ALWAYS involved in my ritual work, unless it's outside. She helps me choose components, do readings, cast circles, walk in other planes, write spells, and so on. She has a very keen sense of mojo. When I do "high" readings, for myself, when I cleanse the space, and go there, oftentimes, she comes with me. She perches protectively at the corner of the table, and sits patiently. She is very keyed into my energy, her antics often reflect my own feelings, so when she bites a hole in someones hand, usually it's because Mama isn't happy.

I couldn't ask for a better familiar. She's like the feline extension of my soul.

Trashy Novels

I haven't been devoting as much time and thought to scholarly reading and Tarot study as I'd like.

I've been wanting to journal the Sacred Rose, more, or actively (as opposed to passively) read Lon Milo Duquette's Understanding the Thoth. I have a burning urge to learn those cards inside and out, and get further into Crowley's head. I'm interested in the man, and his life. I might be obsessed, which is why I take his biography, and his writings in small doses. Otherwise, I start thinking of everything in relation to his teachings. It feels a little cloying, since I came to studying his works long after I've established my own dogma. I like learning, I like challenging myself, but I don't like thinking about things in a foreign manner. It's like the persona gets into my head and has different ideas about life. As far as journaling goes, that takes a peaceful household, and a sparkling mind, ready to channel energy from the cards, and the Universe. I have not been peaceful OR sparkling in a few days. There's always something to clean, somewhere to go, someone to answer to, something do do, that pulls my heart and mind away from my studies.

Hopefully, sleeping for 8 hours, last night (and let's hope for at least 7 tonight!) will help with the energy levels. Hopefully it will be sunny, and warm, tomorrow. Hopefully the house will be clean and relatively silent. Maybe then, I can do some more Sacred Rose meditations.

Honestly, I've been wanting to drag my tarot box to the table, and dig through it, greeting and shuffling every one of my decks, in turn. I want to place decks in the new bags I've gotten, and just spend time in a clerical way, with my cards. Not reading, as much as cataloging, studying, and hangning out.

Instead of the heavy scholarly stuff, I've been reading light-ish books. I'm finishing up the Kushiel series, by Jaqueline Carey. I'm in the last 5% of Kushiel's Justice, and about to start Kushiel's Mercy. I started reading these books because Schuyler suggested them, two years ago. I trust his suggestions, and wasn't dissapointed. I didn't think I would adore them. I even caught myself shedding some tears. I haven't been playing any video games at all lately, so this is my escape route. I'm in love with the setting, the characters, the language, the whole package. There's so much love here, so much tenderness, bitterness, pain, and hardship. These books explore the entire spectrum of emotions, through the eyes of very compelling characters.

As soon as I'm done here, I'm gonna go to bed, and probably finish up the book. Maybe I'll bring Duquette's book with me, and read a chapter from it, too.

Zoomy

I'm feeling all brain zoomy, today. I want to journal more, spend more time with my new deck, but I can't even get a half hour. I'm thinking high, deep thoughts, and don't have the space mentally or physically to act on it.

I went walking in the garden today, and was very excited to discover that my lavender bush, after like, three years, is finally blooming! I've already got big plans, for the flowers. It does my heart worlds of good, to see my "babies" growing, thriving, and returning year after year, stronger, bigger, and better.


Luiz blogged about a dream that he had, regarding a haunted painting, that he exorcized, calling upon the Biblical God, to aid him. Interesting, and very powerful. I'm not going to recap it here, it's very detailed, and deep. In a nutshell, I feel like it's a signpost, a marker from the 'Verse, that he's entering into a new phase, spiritually. He has broken free of the oppressive bonds of the Witness peerage, and can appreciate his background in religious teaching, and choose from it what bouys him up, and enriches his spirituality, comfortably blending it with his new knowledge and mindset.


There's a lot more to it, but I am blogging here because we will be doing an in-depth reading about it, tonight. I might use my new deck, I might use one of my older ones. We'll see how it feels. I'm going all high magic, tonight. I'm clearing the room and creating the space. It's been awhile, and I feel the need to walk there.

Mostly, I'm blogging right now, beacuse I can't do any of the stuff I want to do, there's a houseful of yelling boys playing video games. Maybe I'll go back out and walk in the garden some more.

Journaling: The Sacred Rose- The Magician

The Magician

Unlike the Fool, he stands at the brink of the cosmos with surety. He's not impulsively stepping, but standing at the edge. He, like most Magicians poses with one hand up, and one down, in the position of a conductor, bringing magic from the divine, down to the physical realm. this is manifested in the symbols of the elements swirling around him, and the blooms of abundance surrounding him. His magic, which is very much active here, has manifested into a wild variety of roses, all at his feet. He is charged with energy and spirit, his red-violet robes swirl around him, and he has an aura of pure light. His face is calm, but seemingly focused, and his hari and beard are grey or white, which suggests age and wisdom. Around his neck looks like a mojo bag, perhaps for protection, or luck. This tells me that even the mighty Magician looks for help, sometimes. The trees in the back remind me of pillars, they're further back than the arch of trees on the Fool card, but you get the sense that the Magician has long since passed through this bridge of knowledge and is making it work for him.

Out of Print!?!

Just discovered that my Bohemian Gothic is now out of print. This fully freaks me the fuck out. Now I regret tossing the box. Now I will be ultra uber careful with it. Now I am kicking KICKING myself for not getting the Silver Edition and the companion book, when I had the chance.

Oh, Magic-Realist Press, why must you throw me into such a tailspin.

Overall Impressions of: Sacred Rose

I'm trying out something new, here. I just got the Sacred Rose Tarot, in the mail today. I think it would help my relationship with new decks if I outline my first impressions, here. I'll try to use some sort of loose format, and go over all my other decks, past, present, and future in much the same manner.


I got this deck from: Trading on Aeclectic Tarot, NorthernTigress shipped it from Canada. I made the deal, then looked up reviews of it on Amazon, to discover that it's available there, for $10 cheaper. No mind, I enjoy supporting my fellow AT members, and the trades. Upon receiving it, I discovered that it was an older version, along with a book, so goodie for me.

Right out of the box: First, I love the backs. I love them so much, the design is begging to be painted and hung on my wall, or tattooed on my body. I'll bring this up to Luiz, someday, maybe he'll be intrigued and want to paint it for me. The overall look of the cards is sort of watercolory sometimes, but with harsher black lines that breaks it up. Substantial white borders, with a sketchy black inner border. I think that's what I like least about the cards. These would be infinitely better sans border. Already I'm plotting how to get rid of it. Not a dealbreaker, but there it is. The colors are very rich and deep, the artwork is lustrous and flowing. The faces kinda weird me out. It's a very busy deck, with lots of lines, and patterns.


A little more depth: Some of the figures have blank white eyeballs. Not sure how I feel about that yet. Many of the cards are startlingly beautiful, some are creepy, and some are downright harsh or ugly to look at (what is going ON with the kid on the 4 of wands?!). Some images are very bold, some are watery and dreamlike. This deck has an amazing use of color. I love the colors, can't get enough. Also, since it's the Sacred Rose, there's abundant use of roses, which I also adore. I love roses, so a deck based around them, and all their wonderful symbolism makes me very happy. There's a lot of elemental balance happening here, too with a strong leaning towards the Cosmic (or ether, or spirit). Despite the weirdness, I feel like I can connect to this deck. I bet we'd live happily ever after, even, if I could trim all that friggin white off the outsides. I hate big white borders, it makes them all look like flash cards, or kiddie playing cards.

The Strength Card: It's good. The lady and lion almost blend as one creature, and like many of the other figures in the deck, they're staring right at you. The lion's cat eyes pierce you, they're very intense. A different take on Strength, but I daresay, I like it.

The Book: Looks like a basic companion book. Better than the LWB, but not as good as a great tarot book. Definitely going to read it, because some of the imagery challenges me.


Red Rose for Sacrifice
White Rose for Purity
Blue Rose represents the Impossible
Gold Rose is achievement
Cosmic Rose is time and space

After a long break...

I had a bout of badness, with Tarot. One weekend, it went from party entertainment, to asking serious questions in a forum that probably wasn't right for the mood of the inquiries. It wound up becoming awkward, and causing bad feelings. The lesson I took from that icky night was this; always clear it with everyone in the room, if someone asks a question pertaining to them. Always get permission, don't just ask the cards random stuff about people in the room, without their blessings.

Along around that time, Luiz and I were both starting to draw cards, when we were arguing, or disagreeing about something. Like "Listen, I know I'm right, let me ask the cards, and show you" Petty stuff, in retrospect. It led to a lot of second guessing, of ourselves, and the cards.

It all came to a head, when I asked the cards some questions one night, because Luiz was late getting home, and I was concerned. Apparently, I was suspicious, too because whatever I pulled up I read wrong, thought he was lying to me, and it caused all manner of bad feelings. I didn't read them all exactly wrong...it was more like I read them right, but to the far extreme of my fears, if that makes sense. I'm not going to get into things here, it's longsince over.

The point is, I laid the cards aside after that. I'd been overwhelmed with new decks, misinterpretations, bad feelings, and a buncha negative woo.

I think I needed the break, though. I went for over a month without reading them, or even looking through any of my decks. I took the deck off my desk, and the one out of my purse, and just laid it all aside. Afterwhile, I began to crave contact with them. I began to think about them a lot, stare at the box, eventually pine for them. I still wasn't exactly ready, though. It was tough diving back in, I felt out of touch, intimidated, overwhelmed.

Not sure what got me to drag them back out, but I did. They slid back in my hand like I was born with them. Shuffling them still felt as natural as breathing. Very comforting.

I must have needed it, beacause since I've picked them back up, I'm reading much more naturally. I struggle less, it doesn't drain me like it used to, and the answers just happen. The other night, I was tired, but pulled a few cards for Luiz, and it felt like I was just making shit up about them. Turns out, I was dead on.

So glad to have them back in my life, in such a big way. So glad to have turned something negative into a series of lessons. Not to read for people present, unless they give specific permission, not to use them to defend my side of an arguement, and not to ask questions that I can ask someone in person.

New deck coming in the mail...Sacred Rose. More about that in another post, probably. I'm starting to get tired.

Cinquain

I just discovered Cinquain poetry! This is going to be great. Like Haiku, only...I don't know, it speaks to me, more. It's less rigid.

Listing my Faults

Writing about my complacency down there made me think of other bad habits I fall into:


Buying decks, looking them over twice, and stashing them.

-One one hand, I have a few decks that I was smitten over, in the store (or online) bought, and was immediately bored with them. On the other hand, I often remedy this by coming around eventually and really falling in love with the deck...after it collects dust for a month.

Becoming intimidated by a deck, and stashing it.

-When we get down to brass tacks, I can read with every single one of my decks, even the scary ones (scary, here means any number of things...) Sometimes, though, just the very thought of delving into my Thoth or Haindl is akin to climbing Mt. Everest, and I find myself turning to my "comfort" decks, which are n0n-challenging.

Constantly researching and talking myself into maybe buying new decks.

-I mean really, I haven't even so much as picked UP my Universal Fantasy (and Haindl, and Morgan-Greer, and...and...), except to do one spread. Do I really NEED another? Well. Sometimes I do. I should resolve this by promising to really work with one of my non-commonly-used decks, per month (or week), along with buying the new ones. On the upside, here it is almost April, and I'm not jonsing for a new one, just yet. Decks go out of print. I sometimes kind of have to get them (as in the Morgan Greer). I just have to take time to love it, and get used to it.


These three things are tied together, it looks like. Glad I wrote about it, because now I have some kind of structure. I won't stop buying new decks, because I'm not obsessive about it, and I can fit them well in my budget. I also will try to spend time with each and every deck, at least a solid week. I can't promise that it will be instead of my comfort decks, but definitely along with. I also won't say I'll leap right into using them as soon as I get them. Some decks take time to adjust to, and some simply have a time-place issue. The decks that are truly don't do it for me should move on to someone that will love them more. I'm thinking of gifting Alden my Gilded.

Falling Into Complacency

Sometimes, I short change myself, or people very close to me. I'll do a spread, and a card that comes up often pops up, and I gloss it over by saying something like "And here we see the Magician. Well, we all know what that means!" It's easy to just chalk up the common cards as a given, sort of a marker in any situation. It happens most when I lean on one deck too much, because it's the same image, day after day, sometimes. When I stop to think about this, it bothers me, because as we all know...it might NOT mean the same thing, in fact, I owe it to myself and my querant to kick that out of my mind, and read as fresh as though it's something I've never seen before.

Swapping decks around seems to boot my ass out of this rut. Perhaps it's time to sock the Robin Wood away for a bit, and do something different.

Reading, and then Psychology

When I first really started reading for others, I would just read the card (albiet, not well...). As I got better, if I were close to my querant, I would read and offer advice on the subject, blended into the reading.

Lately, I've gone back to just reading, but if I am close to the person, or if I feel invested in the situation (outside of just reading about it), I'll read the card for what it is. I'll spend extra time, drawing inferences and correlations from the card to whatever the situation is, then look to the card for a little insight. I'll say something like "We're looking at the Page of Swords, here, and here it means: ________. May I offer my opinion about that?" then, with permission, I'll go on to add my personal two cents. And by my two cents, it could be as simple as "Just relax, everything is falling into place, here." I hate complicating things.

So far, it seems like a good deal. I'm everyone's mama anyway, without the cards, people come to me for advice. When we get the cards involved (as I almost always do), it just gives me structure.

Of course, all this goes out the window, if I'm reading for strangers, or aquaintances.

Feeling Very Cerebral.

I have about an hour to kill before rushing off to the next thing (and the next thing, and the next thing...) and I was feeling restless and prickly. I don't want to read, I don't want to Read, I've explored what I'm interested on the net right now, blah blah blah...

It just occurred to me, what I really want to do is write. Like the title says, for the past few days, I've been feeling very smart. Very cerebral, very thinky. Along with that, and perhaps because of it, I've been feeling extra super connected to the Universe. It's a great feeling, and I hope it lasts forever.

Luiz has been picking up the cards, a lot lately, so I found him a deck of his very own. When at once, I was an enthusiastic new student, now I am that, as well as something of a teacher. Mainly, because I've read the hundred books on my shelf, and because he spends all his time painting, (and things related, researching, reading, networking) he hasn't had the chance to pursue them, so I can bring the lessons I learn through AT and my books, to him. Teaching him what I have learned, so fresh after I've learned it, is a great reinforcement to my own knowledge. It's somewhat humbling, to hear him interpret a card (when his mind is truly on it, and he's really focusing) and get a whole ream of information that had never ocurred to me. Humbling, and exciting.

Also, it's probably better for him, because as we all know, I can be impatient. With me learning along with him, and guiding him along, I can't afford impatience, because I would miss things, myself. In analyzing the same card, we can both come up with interpretations, that build and add to each other's. His, (till today) have been very basic, accurate, and good, without really linking things, delving deep, and tying them together. Today, using his very own deck for the first time, I got him to do a full on spread, and link cards, do deepen their meanings. I did the excersise that Mary K. Greer talks about in 21 Ways, where you first describe every aspect of the card, impartially, but with great detail, then do it again, but in the first person, putting yourself in the card.

That seemed to be a key thing for him, because not only is he an artist and sees things with an artist's eye, he also has the natural predilection to putting himself inside every situation. Sometimes, it's irritating (The world doesn't revolve around YOU, you know). But when learning the cards, and digging for deep symbolic meanings, it helps a ton. Making each card personal, tying yourself to every element, really feeling that symbolism, as though it were you holding that cup aloft, or whatever.


I have been actively teaching Alden, as well, but it springs up more organically. Less lesson, more reading for him, and teaching him the meanings, as I go. Alden has taken a suprising love for the Tarot, I mean, insane. He knows the cards, he begs for daily readings, has claimed decks, and has a streak of intuition that just naturally shines brighter than anything I could muster. He is going to be an excellent reader, one day. Definitely on that path. I don't have a thing to worry about, with him.


Luiz, too. Luiz just needs to shed the ego, which he's working on. Sometimes he asks the deck the answers to questions he already thinks he knows, then disregards what the card is telling him, and answers it himself. He caught himself doing it, yesterday, and he asked me about it. I saw him doing it, but wasn't going to say anything, to see if he could tell the difference between reading the cards, and supposing stuff. I can't think of a better term than "supposing" but it's not really what I mean. Assuming? I dunno. Either way, he caught himself doing it last night, and is actively trying to break the habit. I caught him at it today, doing his very first New Deck Interview spread, ascribing all sorts of random stuff that has zero to do with the card, or the symbols, and kind of going off on his own tangent. I said "Do you think that other cards would describe what you're talking about better?" He said, "Oh, I wasn't even thinking about the card, at this point, I was off in my own tangent." Bingo, haha.

It's a work in progress. Just like my own studies, and Alden's.

New Decks

When I started embracing Tarot, more seriously, I had two decks. One I used, and one I admired from afar.

Then I bought the third deck on a whim...and now we're sitting at right around 14. Each deck was a spontaneous thing, something about it said "you must have this" whether it was a card (Bohemian Gothic) or a style (Universal Fantasy) or a rumor of awesomeness (as in the Druidcraft). At first I thought I was getting a little nuts, a little greedy, but the more time I spend flicking back and forth between decks, really appreciating the very individual natures, all the differing symbolism each new style brings to the table, the better I get. The more I know, the better I can appreciate the Tarot, in general. Since I've left the crutch of traditional symbolism, I can read more intuitively, and that's when my readings really soar.

Some decks, I still can't fully appreciate. Some are just downright lame. Some are a little over my head, yet, and surpisingly, I'm finding some to be kind of a bore, anymore. The more I collect, though, the more I can really judge these things.

Thoughts about Aces

Aces: Ambition, seeing through the cards, on out to the fulfillment of the suit. Perhaps?

Maybe even a narrow greedy kind of ambition, tunnel vision, on the negative.

Amazon letting me track my orders is both a blessing and a curse. I love knowing where my stuff is, but when I see that it's in Keyport, my local post office, I get all frantic. I know my mailman's habits, in this neighborhood, like I know my own, so I get a little loony. He pulls up around 11, and parks in front of my house. He grabs half his stuff, and shoots across the street, and down a side road. He comes back after about 20 minutes, grabs some more stuff, and does my street. I am always last, he does my house as he's getting ready to leave, which is almost always at 12:05ish. Fucking crazy, right? If I told him this, he would probably think I was crazy. He might anyway, I've met him in the yard before, as he was walking up the steps. If I have boxes, he takes them off the truck last... Today, I got home from work around 20 after 11, and I expected to see him there, halfway through his delivery. NO! No truck... So, maybe he was early....NO! I sigh, go inside, and try to remain patient.

He got here at 11:45, and did his thing. I was hanging out by the kitchen window, watching his every move...half the stuff, down the block, come back (OH MY GOD I KNOW MY BOX IS IN THERE JUST GIVE IT TO MEAAAGGHGHHHhhhhhhhh..remain calm, remain calm...) I am worse than a kid on Christmas. Why am I freaking out? I just got three of the things that I think will change and improve how I read the cards FOREVER. The Druidcraft deck, Tarot Wisdom by Rachel Pollack, and Understanding the Court Cards by Mary K Greer.

By the way, Rachel Pollack and Mary Greer are like goddesses, to me. They are gentle, wise, and wonderful women, and they have taken me by the hand and heart, and led me down the path of the Tarot in ways I could never imagine. It is to both of them, that I owe boundless growth, and interpreting the tarot, instead of the rote memorization I'd been stuck in. Because of these two authors, I have REALLY learned to read the cards, and indoctrinate them into my life on all levels. I can't even express the gratitude that I have for their writings, and wisdom.

Back on track...I open the Druidcraft deck, and realize that this is the One. The Where Have You Been All My Life deck. Hell, it even has a picture of ME in it (look at the Queen of Pentacles, that's me, red hair, belly, and all.) More than any other deck, I just wanted to spend hours sifitng and poring over these. As soon as I opened them, and soaked in the imagery, three readings popped into my mind, insistant, nagging. I have to do these, this is the deck, this is the right way.

Oh man, today is so great. It feels like my birthday.

All in all, I spent a good chunk of change on cards, bags, and books, and these will be the last ones I get for a long time. I have 9 decks, now, all together, and I feel like this is the one I was waiting for. I can safely say that I am not interested in picking any more up. Honestly, I feel like I want to give away a few of my existing ones. Thoth, Universal RWS, Druidcraft are all I need. The others feel like novelties, by comparison. Now, I just have to get the bag situation sorted out, and try to kick that little habit...

Of course, I can't just dive right in, I have all sorts of things that will keep me out of the house for the next 6 or so hours. I'm practically vibrating with energy, and the need to dive into my cards, and read read read. At least I can bring my books with me, to the bowling alley, and read while I cheer The Boy on.

Journaling woes

I'm having a weird journal moment. I bought a really special leather bound travel journal, last year. Like some things, I had the want, but not the need, it seemed, because I made one entry, and shelved the whole thing. It's been sitting on my desk, here, a foot away from my left hand for over a year.

Today, at work, I had an epiphany. I wanted another kind of Tarot journal, where I take each card, one by one, and designate a page or two about my findings on that card. I have this "fresh start" thing, with journals, must start a new one every time I get a new inspiration, or project... yes, I have 4827656 unfinished journals hanging around. Two dream journals, one rune journal, one book of shadows, and a handful of regular journals. Plus...two blogs. Indicitave of something, I'm sure.

One day, I will collect and condense. I have a very expensive leather bound book, just for that. I keep it in my nightstand, I look at it, a book of untapped potential, frequently. Sort of a goal? Not sure.

I'm digressing. So, back to my epiphany...I went to buy a refill for this leather job, and I want to outline each card, and all. I dusted, and cleaned the binding with mink oil. I found a good pen. The weird part, though, I can't seem to bring myself to starting it. I think I'm just going to kind of hang around with the book itself, and wait for my RWS deck to come in. I feel like this deck is going to unlock a buncha blocks I've been facing. Once I have a big, beautiful, symbolic, clear deck in my hands, for study, then I can do it. My existing RWS is so tiny, it gives me eyestrain, and it feels broken and empty, since it got damaged. Like all the vibes and life just left.

My ultimate goal, with this particular journal is this: I want my OWN book of meanings. I love Rachel Pollack. I love Mary K. Greer's intuitional style. I read them extensively, but I want to add my own intuititive style, and potential situations for each card, so that I can firm up many aspects of each card, in my mind.

I feel like some of my beginning readings were shallow, because I'm thinking in absolutes, in quick sentences. That's how I did it when I was a kid, and it's a tough habit to break. I want each card represented as the miniature universe it should be.

Interesting Reading

I recently did a reading for someone, that was interesting. First of all, drawing this person into this reading that he wanted was a challenge. His energy was all over the place, and unfocused. I guess I require a certain level of flowing energy between my querant and I. I always read for people I'm on the same page with, to to speak, and this was a challenge. Reigning his wild, unfocused energy in was like trying to tame a team of wild horses. Once he settled down, everything went a little more smoothly. The first reading was kind of a lark, the second one was more indepth, a little more specific and honest, and the third one was a total doozy.

Without going into too much detail, regarding relationships, don't ask the cards what you don't want to know. They're brutally honest.

Much better, tonight

I got back to basics, tonight. Well, actually the opposite of basics. I set up a space, purified it, brought out the quartz ball, and some amythest points. I added mugwort, lavender, rose, sage, and balm of gilead to each deck bag. I addressed all my decks, and chose the one that felt right (Mystic Dreamer, how I love you so).

I sorted all the cards, turned them right side up, as a meditational excersise, and contemplated them. I seperated all the suits and the majors. Then I very slowly did the Seven Candle shuffle, then a few riffle shuffles, then just started moving the cards back and forth, in my hands. Around that time, everything went soft and unfocused, my trigger to tell me that I'm in Alpha, which is the ideal state for stuff like this. That's definitely one thing I've been missing, the meditative, spiritual aspect of readings. It's back, and whoa, what a reading. What a PAIR of readings.

First I did the "Getting to Know Myself" diamond spread, as recorded in my journal. It was so succesful. So on. So honest, and telling. I learned a lot, faced some of my uglyness, faced some truths. I felt so warm and good about myself, on both the mundane and spiritual levels, that I was ready to tackle the Thoth question again. I did a (now finally memorized, thank God) Celtic Cross spread, just to answer this, "What is my path, in regards to the Thoth"? Some suprises, there. Some things I wasn't sure of, till now. Overall very encouraging.

Some key points that I learned tonight:

- Cut out all the static from outside sources. Read the books. Hang around AT forums, but seperate the wheat from the chaff. Don't obsess over what people have to say, there.

- Learning the Thoth deck on Crowley's terms isn't for me. I am not interested in the OTO, nor the Thelema, nor the Golden Dawn's esotericness. I AM very interested in the deck, and the man, but I already have my own, well worn, wide open and clear path to enlightenment. I can and will embrace this deck, I will read the Book of Thoth, but I will do it with my own interpretations.

- Get back to Spirituality. I am a Witch, first and foremost. Don't forget what led me to these studies in the first place. Don't forget the forest, by obsessing over one tree.

A Crutch?

So, today, besides the time I spent writing here, and setting up this blog, has ranged from mildly cold and sad, to raging frustration, crying and flinging a sizzling pan of fried rice across the house. Long story, and not for this blog, really. The point is, it's a very stifling, cold, low energy, drudgy, unmotivated mood I'be been in. I can think of no reason, and a thousand reasons, but something needs to be done.

My first thought, was the cards. Now, I am a very spiritual, deep, ritualistic Witch. Normally, my first thoughts would be this: Drum cleaning. I would clean clean clean, getting out all the physical cobwebs, dust, and clutter, making everything shine and sparkle. Then, the first sunny not-too-cold day, throw open all the windows (briefly, as to not kill the spiders) and do a full house drum ritual, with accompanying purifying sage and sweetgrass smudging. This gets rid of the metaphysical cobwebs, dust, and clutter. I've been doing it periodically since I moved in here, and it works a treat. Of course, as soon as I seized on it, I decided to do it.

Why, though, did I think of the cards first? What can they do for me? Am I obsessing? They won't really genuinely make me feel better, they'll answer my questions, give me something to do, but I can't find real honest comfort in a tool. Which is what they are. I'm tending to personify them, more, which is ok, because they do have genuine energy, attributes, and are developing certan vibes...but they are paper and ink. Paper and ink.

Since this whole cards thing hit me, during my annual "Looking through the Veil" Halloween ritual, I have been kind of shelving actual ritual and meditation, my standby sane-haven. My communion with God/dess. My little tributes and prayers, every day. Well, not that, I still pray, but anything more involved than that has fallen by the wayside.

I have to learn to successfully combine the two. I have to work both into my life, so that one can benefit the other, that IS what tarot is for, after all. I cannot lose sight of that.

Containment, care, and feeding

So, I have three working decks, currently, and one retired deck. I have yet to work out an effective system to storing them.

Some people leave them in the original boxes, and stack them on a bookshelf. That's too formal, and too "exposed" for me. Exposed to dust, weird energies, all that. Another thing that doesn't work is this; I hate putting them in and taking them out of cheap, flappy cardboard boxes. The boxes get demolished, cramming them into said boxes can damage the cards, and it's just so fussy. When I used to play Magic: The Gathering, I did away with those boxes on the way home from the store, pretty much. I kept them in special "deck boxes" which were sturdier two piece boxes, with no flaps, or whatever.

I'm thinking of some combination of boxes and bags, for my decks. Maybe wooden boxes, and organza bags. The bags are transparent, crispy fabric, that offeres little protection. I think I want one good sturdy lined bag, to carry my "on the go" deck. I have two wooden boxes, already, that are both small. In fact, one just fits my huge Thoth deck, and I think that's what will live there. It's such a majestic deal, it wants to live by itself, in its own special box. I need a nice piece of fabric to wrap around it, though, to cushion it.

Then, there's the question of herbs. I use herbs in many aspects of my life, both mundane and spiritual. It's only natural that I enhance my vision and intuition with some mugwort, or eyebright. I'm considering packing pinches of both with individual decks, and having a cup of mugwort tea, as part of my tarot homework ritual time. Also, scent. Scent is so evocative. My RWS wants to smell like a rose. A sacred, lovely, multilayered rose. My Mystic Dreamer wants something dreamy, like lavender, smoky like sage, sweet, like vanilla.

Then, my Thoth deck, is all static and cling. How to de-static it? The whole giant deck just clings to its glossy self.

Somehow, I have to make sense of boxes, bags, and individual decks, herbs, scents, temperaments...Who knew they would demand such upkeep?

2009's year card

That's interesting. Last night, I was trying to figure out my Year Card, and I kept coming up with weird stuff. I just picked up the scrap of paper, that I was messing with, trying to figure it all out...and immediately, it hit me. My numbers reduce to 2. The Priestess. That's my year card. I use my birthday as the transition, so come May 13, I will be entering into a Priestess phase in my life. 2008 was The Sun. Pretty accurate. Can't wait till the year ahead, now. Maybe it means good things for the daunting tasks ahead of me, esoterically speaking.

Is the Mystic Dreamer my cop-out?

Nothing against the deck itself, of course, but it's such a convienent and accessable deck. In my "New Deck Interview" spread, it confessed that one of its shortcomings was the 6 of Cups. A little too nurturing? A little too motherly? That's what I got, considering the very image on that card is a mother and daughter, filling 6 cups full of flowers. To me, it's such a soft, fuzzy, nonthreatening deck, it even makes the bad news easier to handle, sort of like when your mom breaks it to you.

Now, why would this be a cop out? Because the other deck I'm involved with, currently, is the Thoth. That is NOT a soft, fuzzy deck. It is NOT nonthreatening. In fact, when I did the deck interview, and asked it to tell me a little about itself, I got the very foreboding 8 of Swords. Thoth calls this card Interference. I read it as a huge, black, pointy fence. Mainly I want to dig deeper, with this deck, and ultimately make it my main deck for readings. I am so drawn to the mythos, the imagery, and the history of this deck and it's enigmatic creator. I want this in my life. It's a lot to swallow, though. When I study (and I mean really study) the Thoth, after while, it feels like someone opened my cranial cavity and poured seltzer in there. Everything is blurry and sharply bubbly, and nothing makes sense afterwhile.

Some reflections: I am the kind of girl who needs to learn on the fly, and "get" things quickly. I am a very fast learner, so this is ok, most of the time. I also like the challenge of having to work at something. I plan on taking the Thoth in small, intense doses, while practicing reading, and just sorta "palling around" with my Mystic Dreamer.

I have two more decks, coming in the mail in the next week, one very artsy deck called the Gilded, which is loaded with color and vibrant images, and a recolored version of the old chestnut, Rider-Waite-Smith. I was thinking of using the RWS as my reading deck, it's more formal and more familiar than the Mystic Dreamer, and less, well...dreamy. I guess I'll cross that bridge when they get here.