Journaling woes

I'm having a weird journal moment. I bought a really special leather bound travel journal, last year. Like some things, I had the want, but not the need, it seemed, because I made one entry, and shelved the whole thing. It's been sitting on my desk, here, a foot away from my left hand for over a year.

Today, at work, I had an epiphany. I wanted another kind of Tarot journal, where I take each card, one by one, and designate a page or two about my findings on that card. I have this "fresh start" thing, with journals, must start a new one every time I get a new inspiration, or project... yes, I have 4827656 unfinished journals hanging around. Two dream journals, one rune journal, one book of shadows, and a handful of regular journals. Plus...two blogs. Indicitave of something, I'm sure.

One day, I will collect and condense. I have a very expensive leather bound book, just for that. I keep it in my nightstand, I look at it, a book of untapped potential, frequently. Sort of a goal? Not sure.

I'm digressing. So, back to my epiphany...I went to buy a refill for this leather job, and I want to outline each card, and all. I dusted, and cleaned the binding with mink oil. I found a good pen. The weird part, though, I can't seem to bring myself to starting it. I think I'm just going to kind of hang around with the book itself, and wait for my RWS deck to come in. I feel like this deck is going to unlock a buncha blocks I've been facing. Once I have a big, beautiful, symbolic, clear deck in my hands, for study, then I can do it. My existing RWS is so tiny, it gives me eyestrain, and it feels broken and empty, since it got damaged. Like all the vibes and life just left.

My ultimate goal, with this particular journal is this: I want my OWN book of meanings. I love Rachel Pollack. I love Mary K. Greer's intuitional style. I read them extensively, but I want to add my own intuititive style, and potential situations for each card, so that I can firm up many aspects of each card, in my mind.

I feel like some of my beginning readings were shallow, because I'm thinking in absolutes, in quick sentences. That's how I did it when I was a kid, and it's a tough habit to break. I want each card represented as the miniature universe it should be.