Shoesday Tuesday

It was a girls-night-out sort of party, where I was the resident tarot reader. I didn't pay for table space, which was good, but the event planner offered a free three minute reading as part of the ticket. I wound up doing more readings in one night than I've ever done. My previous record was 15 separate readings for 12 people, at a house party. This was somewhere around 35 people over 4 hours, from 7 to 11ish. I had a few between 7 and 8 p.m. even, before the party, but as the crowd warmed up and got rolling was a concentrated hot-seat from 9 till 11. It was all non-stop, no breaks.


First, the good things:

Networking: Even before the party started, I handed my card out to two different event planners, the whole bar staff, discussed even further with the owner of the bar, about a regular psychic night. One of them was sort of a mystical themed event planner. Made some tentative plans for a Halloween party. I feel like it was a "on the fly" job interview, and I feel like I aced it. No one flinched when I named my hourly rate. I exchanged a reading for a massage with the massage therapist, and she took a stack of cards. Many of her clients also see tarot readers. I did likewise. I think we actually became friends, which is a nice side thing. For the actual sitters, I handed out at least a hundred cards. Everyone took at least one, sometimes taking a handful. I made a few appointments for house calls, last night. 

Readings: Lots of first timers! Definitely feel like I reached out to a good cross section of women, in many different life situations. Connected well with more than half, had stellar crystal clear overwhelmingly awesome readings for about 10 (one of them, regarding pregnancy, miscarriage, and future children was almost tearful for both of us), and got a few blank stares, and skeptics, and the easily distracted. A handful of drunks, but not as many as I expected.

Popularity: I half joked with my friend that I'd bring a book to the party, in case no one popped by my table. Some early birds were bugging me at 7 p.m hour before the actual event, before I even settled into my table, and my list was full, till the end of the night. I was the last one to take my table down. I had some friends at the party, and they said the buzz about the tarot reader was overwhelmingly positive. Yay! I think there will be more people lurking around the bar, looking for me. Many asked if I had a regular night, and no, not yet. Many of my sitters told their friends, that weren't at the party (at the downstairs bar, where regular bar patrons/non ticket holders were hanging out) As I was walking out, I was hailed by bar patrons for more readings, although I had to turn them down, because I was ready to collapse. 


Negative aspects, stuff I didn't see coming (but should have) stuff I'll watch for next time.

Readings: Many people sat down with blank expressions, and it took me a few minutes to get warmed up with them, shuffling and engaging them in conversation. I had to, by the end of the night (more on why, in a bit) sort of hustle people along, and say "the more specific you can get with me, the better I can help you in 3 minutes time". Many people caught on right away, and I had very satisfying and concise readings, and I sent these people away satisfied. Others sat down with a shrug. I'd pull some cards, and outline things about their lives, and they'd say "but I already knew all that". Well, great, but I didn't. Towards the end of the night, I felt like they were wasting my time, as well as their own, and just taking the service because it was free. It was difficult to limit it to 3 minutes, and often I went over. With at least 3 girls, we talked for over 10, because things were really rolling. I got appointments out of these.

Free: Which brings me to the free thing. People who make appointments and seek me out want a tarot reading. Drunks at a party stumble into my chair because it's there, and yet still expect miracles in 3 minutes. Everyone at the party signed up, including other vendors, the kitchen staff, etc. I got to everyone, but there were some catty girls, and women annoyed at the aspect of waiting. Seriously, a fight broke out between a pair of women (and their little respective groups) at who was first on the list. I solved it, satisfactorily enough, I suppose. But totally unexpected.

Money: I got some tips, and I sold some extra readings, on top of the freebies. Not quite enough to compensate the 4 hours I was there, but it was alright. I was surprised at how much people wanted for nothing, and how reticent some were at paying $5 for five extra cards, and some extra time, especially since the freebie reading only really just got us started. (meanwhile they're spending $6 a pop for ginger vodkatinis). About a dozen of the earlier readings asked if they could come back for more, after the list dwindled down. I feel like the limited time, huge crowd, cut into my profits, because I was so busy cranking out the freebies, that I couldn't get to some that wanted to pay for more, "later".

The setting in general: Early on, the environment was great, moving around, lots of chatty bubbly energy. Around halfway through, DJ Pete turned the lights down, popped on the special effect lights, and my corner became jet black and extremely loud. Candles were found, so I could continue wading though my ever growing list. By the end of the night, as the party was winding up and up (kudos to the DJ, by the way, the man could really get a crowd pumping) I was reading in a very loud club environment. The poor last few, I had to shout to. My voice still hasn't really recovered.



It was overall a satisfying evening, and I feel like I met, networked, and connected with a lot of people. There were some definite drawbacks, some things that you guys warned me of, and some things I never would have realized till I experienced them myself.

Shuffles

Writing what I wrote, last night really helped me settle my energy.  Sometimes, writing, and that was a lot of what Luiz and I were exploring, is the best thing.  Best for documenting, meditating, grounding, composing, therapy, catharsis.  I feel like, without it, I would have been sick and sad for the rest of the night.

Moving on.

I can't find my three favorite stones. They were in a bag, with my travel tarot stuff.  Can't find the bag.  I refuse to accept that they're done with me, however, I just have to look harder.

Ever have a shopping list running in your head...running and running, till you to to the place where you need to buy the stuff, then...foof, all gone.  Yeah, I'm going through it right now.  I've been putting off an order to Mountainrose for a few months, planning to refresh my herbs in one fell swoop.  Damned if I can't remember what-all I needed, besides more sage.

Played with the Tarot of Sweet Twilight a little this morning, doing some readings for the girls at work.  Sometimes the whimsical decks really surprise me.  Lighthearted, and telling.

That didn't end well...

Well, Irv's quite cheery, now.  I'm not, but somehow he feels great.   I'm not even sure which blog to put this in.  I'll throw it in here, as a caveat, one of my many hurdles.

Luiz and I were having a significant reading, and some deep spiritual talk, the likes of which we haven't seen in months.  Long time flipping cards, and soul searching, some on my part, mostly on his.   This is how we work through his very real clinical depression.  This helps me get my own moral compass and bearings in check.  It's a necessary part of our existence.  It's been forever since we could sit down like this.  Irv was working next door, doing all sorts of stuff with the house, then he came in, and blasted out a load of laundry, then disrupted the table where we were reading, slamming open the dishwasher, and slamming the dishes in the cabinet.  Crash, back down to earth, with unasked for tears in my eyes.  What? What the hell is his problem?  His problem was that WE didn't do those two things.  I didn't know they *needed* doing right that very moment.  As soon as I cleared my cards, and we scattered from the table, as soon as Luiz, in a flurry of apologies, cleaned some menial something, he was fine. Cheery.  Hah.  Jovial.  His mood went from storming fucking angry, to maniacally happy.

I'm still shaking, and trying to hold back the tears.  I'm really shaken.  I feel like we were really accomplishing something.  Luiz was having some great epiphanies, I was really remembering what *it* is all about.  We were deep, deep in the Universe, deep in the cards, and in a very specific mental state, only to be blasted out of it by a wave of manically bad energy, and a delightful disruption/guilt trip.  Like a bowling ball, to pins, only if the bowling ball could get some kind of perverse satisfaction out of smashing the pins.

Why does he do it?  Did he feel discluded?  Is he just feeling mean?  All my empathic receptors were wide open, and all I could feel was that wave of "Oh, fuck them, fuck this, watch this..." sort of glee.

It's any wonder I get anything done.  I have to go smooth out my energy somehow, or else I will be irrational, and fighting back tears for the rest of the night.  I feel like I just took a direct hit of total crap right to my solar plexus.

I feel like I can trust the environment I've created, the "circle" we build when we go through all the steps for a night of readings like this. The cards, the herbs, the mental preparation.  Then something like this comes and smashes it wide open.  We let our guards down, we got distracted and started moving around.  Left the circle, without closing it, so to speak.  No, I didn't actually cast one, and I didn't think I had to.  Now I see that sometimes, I can't just leave it out like that.  Stupid me.  Ego? Maybe.  My kitchen, my table, my space...not so much.  Lesson learned.

The Business of Tarot

Spent a greater part of the late afternoon designing my "menu".  I plan on having a copy of each page printed and laminated for my kit, then a few dozen printouts of all the information, as a handout.  I also have to do a brief writeup of tarot or "about me" section, something like that, to put as the last page in my kit.  This "kit" is a binder that will hold a total of about 4 laminated pages.

I got my oracle decks today, and felt compelled to read with them right out of the box.  Love them.  My intuition was zinging and singing.  I'm going to work more with them, then maybe work them into paid readings.

I sat down the other night and outlined what I Want.  It's my longterm goal to make enough money being a transient tarot reader, to eventually afford to have a little place of my own.  Gain a big enough following to sustain opening an actual shop.  I've never really "networked" in my life, and it's not the most instinctive thing for me, but I'm actually doing it, passing out business cards left and right.

They are not a scientific calculator.

Been thinking about cerebral versus intuitional tarot reading. Lately, I've been getting way too thinky, and really analyzing every aspect of every card, turning each one into this mental labyrinth that's easy to get lost in. That's fine when studying, or really picking apart every aspect of the Thoth deck, but when reading, when doing what I do best, the logic and thinking have to have to take a back seat to intuition. My gut response, my initial "this is it" has been taking a backseat to elaborate pondering, and critical thinking, this pointed turning each card over and over in my mind, using it as a tool.  Cold logic.  Good for most things, hindering my reading style.

So, on impulse, today I went and looked at oracle decks. These are decks that hold any number of cards, and they can be about whatever the hell they want.  No stringent tarot guidelines.  Just a bunch of images designed to provoke intuition.  I ordered a few, with a few more on my wish list, and I'm going to try working them into my typical card flipping, and just let my mind fly again, instead of bogging it down with associations, dignities, numerology, astrology, alchemy, geometry, and all that.

I have to start meditating again.  I had this problem a few years ago, when I was studying cards too hard, and not connecting with them.  They became something like a chore, and as a result, hard to read.  I can't afford that, now.  I really have to make some changes, or find my groove again.

Rambling...

I've been doing a lot of theological and philosophical study, in spite of outward appearances.  I mean, I was in Duquette's online Thoth course, and I sort of petered out of my study there.  It got to be too much, to much knowledge, too much mental masturbation from the other students, and just too much in general.  I plan on saving the material and looking back in bits and pieces, at my own pace.

At times, I think that makes me a bad...whatever I am. Magi? Witch?  Soror?  At times, I feel bad for not dedicating myself wholesale to a dogma.  I read extensively on some philosophy, religion, labeled set of rules, historic secret society, and file it away.  I think about that knowledge, late at night before I fall asleep, when I'm in the shower, when I appear to be doing something menial like chopping vegetables, or picking weeds.  I think about it a lot.  I feel it.  I really try to find my place in this knowledge, these ideas, dogmas, names, charts, numbers, alphabets, connections.  I try to find places within my self for this stuff.

When learning a new system, I always have this period of feeling like "this is so close to my 'thing' that this must be it, and I have to try very very hard to learn it and use it"  It happened with Satanism, first, then Wiccanism, in my early teens, then...well, after that I was well adrift. I toyed with ceremonial magick in my late teens, but was in over my head. I drifted, always at first embracing, then really digging into, then not exactly abandoning, but sort of filing away whatever set of theological "rules" I've found.  I have, and this stands true to this very day, found only label that I can identify with, and that is Thelemite.  Not a member of the A.A. Not a member of the OTO, although I imagine affiliation with those groups would teach me immeasurable amounts of knowledge, but then...what good is a fuckload of knowledge, without the zing?  How much is too much?

It's not knowledge I seek. I get ahold of what I need to know, when I need to know it.  I definitely don't seek any sort of fraternity, because I hold that the minute I attach myself to a group, then my own path is compromised by the group's goals.  I wouldn't join any group that doesn't 100% coincide with my personal trip to enlightenment, and I haven't found one yet.  Even my soul mate, my magickal counterpart, my twin flame, and I disagree. A lot.

Last year, I really got deeply into ceremonial magick again, really delved deep into Crowley's teachings, reading greedily, studying, meditating.  Quabala, Goetia, a little Enocian stuff here and there.  I love it.  I mean it's really fucking fascinating, loads of useful stuff.  Only, I am not it.  It's not me.  Every book I read about Crowley's life devolves into I don't even know....  This title, that name, this group, that exclusive society, this high priest of hoodyhoo shit talking that high priest, this student doing that, that student doing her, he said, she said....the minutia of group politics, and drama.  I'm reading an *excellent* book right now paralleling Dion Fortune and Aleister Crowley's lives, and how they've together ushered in the current Aeon.  Awesome.  Till it drags in the middle chapters with loads of names, fabricated trumped up titles, shit talking, politics, stealing, pomposity...and I think to myself "these are the people that mold my spirituality?".  I file the good. Ignore the human claptrap and move on.   Sometimes, I really feel as though I should have stuck to reading only the Book of the Law, because I fully embrace it. It's a poetic framework for my own beliefs.  It's still the words of man, and I have separated the man from the Word.  Delving very deep (and I mean very) always leaves me a little disappointed. I feel like I've chased all the goodies down this path or that, and it eventually leads the same place, the same things I've known in my heart since childhood, only with different names.  Reassuring, but sometimes a waste of time.  Good to increase the knowledge, though.  It's sometimes hard to sort out.

The point is, all knowledge is a tool.  That's all it is, no more, no less.  The more knowledge I have, the wider range of tools I have to choose from. Knowledge is a powerful tool, a Sword, if you will.  I use the sword, master it, control it, and I am coming to terms with not eviscerating myself on it.

 As I get older, it's easier to separate the useful tools, the helpful ones, from the crap.  It's a lot easier, these days to sort out opinion and trumpery.  I'm beginning to not feel bad about not learning every scrappy little nuance about any system, and adopting it as my own.  I used to think I was a seeker, looking for just the right thing. Now I think throughout all the seeking, I've sort of invented, polished, and work ever towards perfecting the Right Thing (for me, anyway), and I always do it with love. Love for the divine, love for myself, love for the journey, love for the process.  No guilt.  I work daily to strip my own ego, to purify my path, and strengthen my empathy for the world and people.

My best knowledge still comes directly from the Universe.  I still have gained more watching the life and death cycles of living things in my proximity, the movement of the sun across the sky, and the spinning of stars, growing things, destructive forces.  Watching the crushing force of a thoughtless boot on a newly sprouted sprig of basil, the effects of neglect and abuse, the effects of love and compassion.  It's all magickal, and to notice and tap in is truly the Great Work, to become one with all of this.   Nothing, no words, symbols, artfice, bells, herbs, candles, books, no alphabet, nothing is more magical or powerful than the connection, it's divine Will that moves these things, and the divine Will within myself allows me to connect, to alter reality, learn the secrets of the universe, alter or enter the web that connects every living thing on every plane, move freely throughout space and time, find my fucking wallet, help people sort out their lives, sort out my own life. It's the divine connection, the pure shining empathy, unity and Love.  The tools only help.

I don't know where I was going with this, honestly.  I think I've just come to terms with not now, and not ever being a Grand High Whooptywhoop Authority High Priestess of Blah Blah Blah.  It really is a load of bullshit.

Suprise!

Got the gig! I'm doing a "girls night out" sort event at the bar, for cash.  Hopefully, this leads to a regular reading night over there, where I get paid.

I was so confident going into it, knowing my limits and prices, and feeling very confident, but now that it's official,  the door has been thrown open to a hundred doubts.  What should I wear, what if a hundred people all take the free sample, but none want to go on to a paid reading, what if they all want some deep paid reading, and I collapse from the effort, what if I'm sitting there all lonely all night, what if...what if.... Then, are my prices right? Are my business cards/demeanor/whatever professional enough?  I hope I'm not selling myself too short, or not selling myself enough, or too much....argh.

Ah well, it's just one night. I figure, worst I could do is distribute a ton of cards, and talk to a lot of people, and have fun. The best I can do is wow em, land a regular job, and maybe a steady batch of clients.