Tonight was to be the one night I had for myself. Every year, for many years, I take Halloween night, and *do* something. I won't get into detail, but I take advantage of the magic of the night, and the thin veil between the worlds. I've seen and learned many things in Halloweens past. It's my night to strip away all the ceremony, light a nice fire, and just fly with the spirits. It's a night of discovery, gifts, and my opportunity to genuinely give thanks. Except last year. Last year, our mundane plans took us far from home, and out till two am. By the time we got home, I couldn't muster the energy to do anything besides fall into bed. And this year. This year, the bar was raging so loud, the sounds filled our whole house and yard, like the entire population of the bar was instead partying on our back porch. It was also raining out there. Inside the house, they were watching loud TV, playing video games, drinking, and being generally obnoxious. I was literally running to every corner, finding it loud, filled with people or junk, and everything became entirely frustrating. I wound up going upstairs to my only "sanctuary" and finding it a disaster. My book room was filled with things that belonged in the attic, my table and chairs filled with clothes and paperwork. When did things get so out of control? Where did my sacred spaces go? My only time, the only thing I ask for the whole year is no longer mine. I used to slip off around 11 pm on Halloween for a ritual bath, then out the door, into our quiet dark yard. Tonight, I circled around and around, till I wound up curled on the foot of my bed, crying. Where did it all go?
Sitting on the bed, crying, I started praying earnestly with nothing to offer but my heart and my whole self. I prayed for control of my own spiritual life. I prayed for a message, some sort of guidance in helping me get my shit together. I prayed for internal harmony, peace, and calm. I then decided, at midnight, that I would rest awhile, and get up later, when the night got quiet. Before I fell asleep, I fell into a deep state of meditation, and got some huge insight. The Universe told me to reclaim the house next door. It's a whole old house, being used for not much more than storage. I saw myself hauling junk out of the front door, and scrubbing the lovely hardwood floor on my hands and knees. I saw curtains hung, and a table and chair in the living room. I saw me creating my sacred space over there.
I slept unsoundly for a few hours, and now here I am. I walked all over my yard, now in pitch blackness and wet. I lurked around the house like a ghost, deciding whether or not to go about my usual Halloween thing here at 3 in the morning. I decided that I got the messages I needed, tonight, through meditation, and later lucid dreaming. I'm sitting here now, with my deck, and this blog to help me clear things up and try to understand this night's events. Everything happens for a reason.
I feel like tonight, and this past year has been very muddled. A spiritual "rock bottom" I think. Too much thinking, too much speculating, categorizing, demonstrating, showing, telling, explaining. Not my way. Not my choice. I was lamenting about not having any physical space to retreat to, well that goes for mental space as well. I still have secrets, and private things, Divinely speaking, but they're very few. I find myself constantly explaining myself, my philosophies, methods, and personal dogma. It's not me. It's not my way. Stressed out and bogged down, in details, it leads to apathy sometimes.
The cards I've pulled have reflected it. As for my vision of utilizing the house next door? "fine," the deck said, "but you'll still have to share it, in some way, and it won't be exactly fulfilling.". As far as a general feeling for tonight? The Five of Swords, Lord of Defeat. Overthinking, internal conflict. I'm right there.
This is my gift, from this night. A lesson in frustration, and the reasons why. Now a way to fix it. I have to take this information, and this failure of an evening and learn from it. Let it motivate me, and give me strength and energy to fix things. Now I see a problem, and now I must pro-actively change it. It might cause conflict in other areas of life, but I have to prioritize.
Tomorrow is still on. Day of the Dead, when we officially visit the graves of loved ones, make offerings, spend time reflecting and praying for and with them. I say officially, because these loved ones are always with us, and we're always thinking of them, but November 1 is always a huge deal. This year, I think it will be especially comforting.
