Well, Irv's quite cheery, now. I'm not, but somehow he feels great. I'm not even sure which blog to put this in. I'll throw it in here, as a caveat, one of my many hurdles.
Luiz and I were having a significant reading, and some deep spiritual talk, the likes of which we haven't seen in months. Long time flipping cards, and soul searching, some on my part, mostly on his. This is how we work through his very real clinical depression. This helps me get my own moral compass and bearings in check. It's a necessary part of our existence. It's been forever since we could sit down like this. Irv was working next door, doing all sorts of stuff with the house, then he came in, and blasted out a load of laundry, then disrupted the table where we were reading, slamming open the dishwasher, and slamming the dishes in the cabinet. Crash, back down to earth, with unasked for tears in my eyes. What? What the hell is his problem? His problem was that WE didn't do those two things. I didn't know they *needed* doing right that very moment. As soon as I cleared my cards, and we scattered from the table, as soon as Luiz, in a flurry of apologies, cleaned some menial something, he was fine. Cheery. Hah. Jovial. His mood went from storming fucking angry, to maniacally happy.
I'm still shaking, and trying to hold back the tears. I'm really shaken. I feel like we were really accomplishing something. Luiz was having some great epiphanies, I was really remembering what *it* is all about. We were deep, deep in the Universe, deep in the cards, and in a very specific mental state, only to be blasted out of it by a wave of manically bad energy, and a delightful disruption/guilt trip. Like a bowling ball, to pins, only if the bowling ball could get some kind of perverse satisfaction out of smashing the pins.
Why does he do it? Did he feel discluded? Is he just feeling mean? All my empathic receptors were wide open, and all I could feel was that wave of "Oh, fuck them, fuck this, watch this..." sort of glee.
It's any wonder I get anything done. I have to go smooth out my energy somehow, or else I will be irrational, and fighting back tears for the rest of the night. I feel like I just took a direct hit of total crap right to my solar plexus.
I feel like I can trust the environment I've created, the "circle" we build when we go through all the steps for a night of readings like this. The cards, the herbs, the mental preparation. Then something like this comes and smashes it wide open. We let our guards down, we got distracted and started moving around. Left the circle, without closing it, so to speak. No, I didn't actually cast one, and I didn't think I had to. Now I see that sometimes, I can't just leave it out like that. Stupid me. Ego? Maybe. My kitchen, my table, my space...not so much. Lesson learned.
No comments:
Post a Comment