This page is becoming a magickal diary of sorts. No one reads it anyway, so it works out fine. I'm so conditioned to the age, I definitely communicate better with a keyboard than any other medium. I should definitely work on that.
Anyway, the House Cleaning happened.
I'm not going to invite Luiz in on any more of my spellworkings for a long time. Maybe indefinitely. He undermined and questioned at crucial parts, he had doubt. He didn't enter my circle with perfect love and perfect trust. He doesn't take my approach seriously on any level. He denigrates my methods. He denies it, but I see his heart. I saw that this would happen when I read cards last night, but I went ahead. The spell happened in spite of his bullshit that he brought, and it mostly worked. There's one part I have to go over again, so next new moon, I'm going to do it all over again, just so it sticks. And I'm doing it *alone*.
He said "You did all the work, you did all the stuff. I didn't feel magickal at all."
Which left me sputtering. Well then, why the fuck were you going through the motions?
I know it's my fault for assuming so much. His ego won't let him come into my working as a supplicant, with the perfect love and trust in place in his head, heart, soul, actions. I thought we were good, though. We talk so much magick, and we have success reading together and practicing sex magick, that I assume we're both on the same page. I will never make any assumptions of the sort, again.
Part of me wants to think that there was some overall reason that this happened, like some lesson to be learned. I guess I did learn a lesson. I won't presume to imagine what he may or may not have learned.
At this juncture, I am leaving him to his OTO and his "High" ceremonial magic. I think it's 80% bullshit that caters to the ego of people that like to think they're high magicians, and I'm probably wrong, but I'm looking at it from not only a spectator's angle, but also through Luiz, who *is* of that mentality. I'll continue on my path, and I'll do it the way I always have. Alone. With the one person I can trust to be in the circle with me, in perfect love and perfect trust. Myself. And my familiar, Harmony. She brings more to the table magickally than any human.
8.07.2013
8.06.2013
Tomorrow's the big day. Just to recap, tomorrow is the big house cleaning, the House Cleaning. I've got all my stuff together, and everyone's in the right mindset. We're getting up at 7 am, and cleaning the house spotless, then setting to. Then, I'll cook everyone a huge belated breakfast. This is Phase One. Phase Two comes on the full moon.
It'll be good. I'm excited. Haven't done anything on this major of a scale in awhile.
So, all week I've been reading, and just spending all my spare time reading cards, reading books, reading my own diaries and writings. Not just for this working, but for magick's sake. I'm already seeing the benefits. More begets more, and my channels are wide open. I've got my first public-festival style reading event scheduled for October 19, now. It just popped up, and along with it, a steady gig reading in a funky shop, over in the Atlantic Highlands. I'll be meeting with the proprietor of the store to discuss details on Thursday. So, success and magick begets success and magick.
It's been extremely satisfying. I'm bursting with energy and will.
It'll be good. I'm excited. Haven't done anything on this major of a scale in awhile.
So, all week I've been reading, and just spending all my spare time reading cards, reading books, reading my own diaries and writings. Not just for this working, but for magick's sake. I'm already seeing the benefits. More begets more, and my channels are wide open. I've got my first public-festival style reading event scheduled for October 19, now. It just popped up, and along with it, a steady gig reading in a funky shop, over in the Atlantic Highlands. I'll be meeting with the proprietor of the store to discuss details on Thursday. So, success and magick begets success and magick.
It's been extremely satisfying. I'm bursting with energy and will.
8.02.2013
I feel so overwhelmed by a new discovery. Well. Not new, I mean I've known about Chaos Magick since I was a kid, but I never looked into it back then. I forgot all about it, till yesterday. I went on Amazon after my last blog entry, just to replace some of my lost books. I found a LOT of them, and I basically spent my entire paycheck on books. But not just old ones...I found one called Practical Sigil Magic that jumped out at me. I bought it, and discovered that it was the author's interpretation on Austin Osman Sphere's sigil methodology. Blown away. I am blown away. That was my first encounter with A.O. Sphere and his teachings. In a nutshell, it's the missing link between what *I* am, where I fit into the occult universe, and where I've left off with Crowley's teachings. Like, this is my thing. I've always eschewed the idea of the OTO or A.A. as a fulfilling path for myself. I've always said "If an organization or order or church doesn't 100% represent your personal spiritual ideas, then it'll hold you back" While I'm a self-initiated Thelemite, dedicated for life, I am not 100% in line with what the organization represents. I'm not for ceremonial magic. I'm not all about big Hermetic rituals. Fuck systems.
I wrote this deceleration on the topic two years ago. It holds true now, more than ever. I've been feeling in a rut, because when you kick "systems" and their respective dogmas out of your life...it sort of leaves you pinwheeling out there in the ether. I realize, now it's not a flat-out rejection of systems, its more of a flat-out rejection of commitment to any one of them. I am reading cards again, of course I am. Doing better with it now than I ever have in my whole life. I am still a practicing magician, witch, whatever, and I feel at my most powerful. I'm kinda out of stuff to study, though. I went on Amazon last night thinking "there really is nothing new out there for me to tackle, the closest I have is the OTO and Crowley and cabbalistic teachings." I mean, that's nice and all... Then I found that sigil book, which led me to other books, which led me to googling Chaos Magick, which led me to discovering the IoT. Which...fuck. Mindblowing. I was up all night reading. I caught fire again. I haven't been this charged up about a new thing in maybe six or seven years. It's everything I've done my whole life unofficially...but official.
Luiz puts it best when he says "I'm so happy for you! You found your magickal heritage!" FINALLY. I now have people that I can read, and maybe eventually join with, and talk to who have been doing it the way I do it since before I was born.
The key tenant of Chaos Magic is "Nothing is True".
I'm going to quote Phil Hine directly here, this comes right out of Condensed Chaos.
1. The avoidance of Dogmatism. Chaos Magicians strive to
avoid falling into dogmatism (unless expressing dogmatism
is part of a temporary belief system they have entered).
Discordians use ‘Catmas’ such as “Us Discordians must stick
apart!” Thus Chaos Magicians feel entitled to change their
minds, contradict themselves and come up with arguments that
are alternatively plausible and implausible. It has been pointed
out that we invest a lot of time and energy in being right. What’s
wrong with being wrong occasionally?
2. Personal Experience is paramount. In other words, don’t
take my word that such-and-such is the case, check it out for
yourself. Magick has suffered extensively from ‘armchair
theorists’ who have perpetuated myths and out-of-date
information purely due to laziness of one kind or another.
Sometimes it’s interesting to ask awkward questions just to
see what the selfappointed experts come out with. Some will
emit a stream of verbal diahorrea rather than admit to not
knowing the answer, whereas a true adept will probably say “I
haven’t a f*****g clue.” Quite early on, Chaos magicians came
to the startling discovery that once you strip away the layers of
dogma, personal beliefs, attitudes and anecdotes around any
particular technique of practical magick, it can be quite simply
described.
3. Technical Excellence. One of the early misconceptions about
Chaos Magick was that it gave practitioners carte blanche to
do whatever they liked, and so become sloppy (or worse, soggy)
in their attitudes to self-assessment, analysis, etc. Not so. The
Chaos approach has always advocated rigorous self-assessment
and analysis, emphasised practice at what techniques you’re
experimenting with until you get the results that you desire.
Learning to ‘do’ magick requires that you develop a set of
skills and abilities and if you’re going to get involved in all
this weird stuff, why not do it to the best of your ability?
4. Deconditioning. The Chaos paradigm proposes that one of
the primary tasks of the aspiring magician is to thoroughly
decondition hirself from the mesh of beliefs, attitudes and
fictions about self, society, and the world. Our ego is a fiction
of stable self-hood which maintains itself by perpetuating the
distinctions of ‘what I am/what I am not, what I like/what I
don’t like’, beliefs about ones politics, religion, gender
preference, degree of free will, race, subculture etc all help
maintain a stable sense of self, whilst the little ways in which
we pull against this very stability allows us to feel as though
we are unique individuals. Using deconditioning exercises,
we can start to widen the cracks in our consensual reality which
hopefully, enables us to become less attached to our beliefs
and egofictions, and thus able to discard or modify them when
appropriate.
5. Diverse Approaches. As mentioned earlier, ‘traditional’
approaches to magick involve choosing one particular system
and sticking to it. The Chaos perspective, if nothing else,
encourages an eclectic approach to development, and Chaos
Magicians are free to choose from any available magical
system, themes from literature, television, religions, cults,
parapsychology, etc. This approach means that if you approach
two chaos magicians and ask ‘em what they’re doing at any
one moment, you’re rarely likely to find much of a consensus
of approach. This makes Chaos difficult to pin down as one
thing or another, which again tends to worry those who need
approaches to magick to be neatly labelled and clear.
6. Gnosis. One of the keys to magical ability is the ability to
enter Altered States of Consciousness at will. We tend to draw
a distinct line between ‘ordinary consciousness’ and ‘altered
states’, where in fact we move between different states of
consciousness - such as daydreams, ‘autopilot’ (where we carry
out actions without cognition) and varying degrees of attention,
all the time. However, as far as magick is concerned, the willed
entry into intense altered states can be divided into two poles
of ‘Physiological Gnosis’ - Inhibitory states, and Excitatory
states. The former includes physically ‘passive’ techniques
such as meditation, yoga, scrying, contemplation and sensory
deprivation while the latter includes chanting, drumming,
dance, emotional and sexual arousal.
So, that's what Phil Hine has to say on the matter. I say...that is SO FUCKING ME. Compare what I wrote in 2011 to what I just found last night...I've been looking for this for a long time.
Alright. Enough writing. I have way more reading to do.
I wrote this deceleration on the topic two years ago. It holds true now, more than ever. I've been feeling in a rut, because when you kick "systems" and their respective dogmas out of your life...it sort of leaves you pinwheeling out there in the ether. I realize, now it's not a flat-out rejection of systems, its more of a flat-out rejection of commitment to any one of them. I am reading cards again, of course I am. Doing better with it now than I ever have in my whole life. I am still a practicing magician, witch, whatever, and I feel at my most powerful. I'm kinda out of stuff to study, though. I went on Amazon last night thinking "there really is nothing new out there for me to tackle, the closest I have is the OTO and Crowley and cabbalistic teachings." I mean, that's nice and all... Then I found that sigil book, which led me to other books, which led me to googling Chaos Magick, which led me to discovering the IoT. Which...fuck. Mindblowing. I was up all night reading. I caught fire again. I haven't been this charged up about a new thing in maybe six or seven years. It's everything I've done my whole life unofficially...but official.
Luiz puts it best when he says "I'm so happy for you! You found your magickal heritage!" FINALLY. I now have people that I can read, and maybe eventually join with, and talk to who have been doing it the way I do it since before I was born.
The key tenant of Chaos Magic is "Nothing is True".
I'm going to quote Phil Hine directly here, this comes right out of Condensed Chaos.
1. The avoidance of Dogmatism. Chaos Magicians strive to
avoid falling into dogmatism (unless expressing dogmatism
is part of a temporary belief system they have entered).
Discordians use ‘Catmas’ such as “Us Discordians must stick
apart!” Thus Chaos Magicians feel entitled to change their
minds, contradict themselves and come up with arguments that
are alternatively plausible and implausible. It has been pointed
out that we invest a lot of time and energy in being right. What’s
wrong with being wrong occasionally?
2. Personal Experience is paramount. In other words, don’t
take my word that such-and-such is the case, check it out for
yourself. Magick has suffered extensively from ‘armchair
theorists’ who have perpetuated myths and out-of-date
information purely due to laziness of one kind or another.
Sometimes it’s interesting to ask awkward questions just to
see what the selfappointed experts come out with. Some will
emit a stream of verbal diahorrea rather than admit to not
knowing the answer, whereas a true adept will probably say “I
haven’t a f*****g clue.” Quite early on, Chaos magicians came
to the startling discovery that once you strip away the layers of
dogma, personal beliefs, attitudes and anecdotes around any
particular technique of practical magick, it can be quite simply
described.
3. Technical Excellence. One of the early misconceptions about
Chaos Magick was that it gave practitioners carte blanche to
do whatever they liked, and so become sloppy (or worse, soggy)
in their attitudes to self-assessment, analysis, etc. Not so. The
Chaos approach has always advocated rigorous self-assessment
and analysis, emphasised practice at what techniques you’re
experimenting with until you get the results that you desire.
Learning to ‘do’ magick requires that you develop a set of
skills and abilities and if you’re going to get involved in all
this weird stuff, why not do it to the best of your ability?
4. Deconditioning. The Chaos paradigm proposes that one of
the primary tasks of the aspiring magician is to thoroughly
decondition hirself from the mesh of beliefs, attitudes and
fictions about self, society, and the world. Our ego is a fiction
of stable self-hood which maintains itself by perpetuating the
distinctions of ‘what I am/what I am not, what I like/what I
don’t like’, beliefs about ones politics, religion, gender
preference, degree of free will, race, subculture etc all help
maintain a stable sense of self, whilst the little ways in which
we pull against this very stability allows us to feel as though
we are unique individuals. Using deconditioning exercises,
we can start to widen the cracks in our consensual reality which
hopefully, enables us to become less attached to our beliefs
and egofictions, and thus able to discard or modify them when
appropriate.
5. Diverse Approaches. As mentioned earlier, ‘traditional’
approaches to magick involve choosing one particular system
and sticking to it. The Chaos perspective, if nothing else,
encourages an eclectic approach to development, and Chaos
Magicians are free to choose from any available magical
system, themes from literature, television, religions, cults,
parapsychology, etc. This approach means that if you approach
two chaos magicians and ask ‘em what they’re doing at any
one moment, you’re rarely likely to find much of a consensus
of approach. This makes Chaos difficult to pin down as one
thing or another, which again tends to worry those who need
approaches to magick to be neatly labelled and clear.
6. Gnosis. One of the keys to magical ability is the ability to
enter Altered States of Consciousness at will. We tend to draw
a distinct line between ‘ordinary consciousness’ and ‘altered
states’, where in fact we move between different states of
consciousness - such as daydreams, ‘autopilot’ (where we carry
out actions without cognition) and varying degrees of attention,
all the time. However, as far as magick is concerned, the willed
entry into intense altered states can be divided into two poles
of ‘Physiological Gnosis’ - Inhibitory states, and Excitatory
states. The former includes physically ‘passive’ techniques
such as meditation, yoga, scrying, contemplation and sensory
deprivation while the latter includes chanting, drumming,
dance, emotional and sexual arousal.
So, that's what Phil Hine has to say on the matter. I say...that is SO FUCKING ME. Compare what I wrote in 2011 to what I just found last night...I've been looking for this for a long time.
Alright. Enough writing. I have way more reading to do.
8.01.2013
So, I opened the packet of "red sandalwood" that I got at Earth Spirits. It's sawdust. It's generic wood powder that literally smells like burning sawdust. I'm disappointed. I looked high and low for actual red sandalwood or any kind of sandalwood incense.
Turns out, it's endangered.
Fuck.
Looks like I'll be leaving that ingredient out of my magickal incenses.
Fuck.
Got a lot done today, magickally speaking. We went to Red Bank for the final stuff I needed, basically just red sandalwood since Mountain Rose didn't have it, for whatever reason. I also picked up a few new stones, an opaque blue stone the color of an October sky. It's called angelite, which sounds hokey to me, but everything in Earth Spirits comes with a faint air of hokey, till I get it home, wash it, and make it mine. Anyway, it just sang "purification" so, I scooped it right up. I also picked up a new bloodstone, thinking it would be nice to have one...but when I went through my stones, I noticed I had like seven of them already. What can I say, I really love bloodstone. Seeing them all in the palm of my hand looked downright medicinal. Maybe when I'm done working on the current project, I'll do a healing something. I found an old empty gris gris bag, with the runes still seared into the leather, and still smelling faintly of dusty herbs. I remember that one. It was designed for psychic power. To help the Sight. It worked. I'm doing one for healing, I think, or just to stay healthy. They're very satisfying to put together, and unlike regular spells, when it's all said and done, you have this little locus of energy, this little power nugget to concentrate on. Fucking cool. Very hands-on too.
So, bringing these new stones home made me feel wistful and weird that my stones aren't in a special place anymore, just all thrown in a dishpan when we had to take the furniture out of the living room. I haven't restored my Space since Sandy. All my tarot cards are stashed in the card catalog, but my altar fixtures were kind of scattered to the four winds. They still are a little, but it's better. After Red Bank, we cleaned up my side of the bedroom, dusted and dedicated not only a sacred altar space, but we cleaned off my vanity and made a place for all my stones, and a small space for Luiz, too. It felt good to do that. I'm still feeling a little euphoric, working in such close proximity to all my stones and objects of power. I really wish I could find my athame, though. It got put somewhere when the flood hit. It's eluding me, and that's bothering me.
A week from yesterday, is the time of the first ritual. I've got everything ready now, except the athame.
So, bringing these new stones home made me feel wistful and weird that my stones aren't in a special place anymore, just all thrown in a dishpan when we had to take the furniture out of the living room. I haven't restored my Space since Sandy. All my tarot cards are stashed in the card catalog, but my altar fixtures were kind of scattered to the four winds. They still are a little, but it's better. After Red Bank, we cleaned up my side of the bedroom, dusted and dedicated not only a sacred altar space, but we cleaned off my vanity and made a place for all my stones, and a small space for Luiz, too. It felt good to do that. I'm still feeling a little euphoric, working in such close proximity to all my stones and objects of power. I really wish I could find my athame, though. It got put somewhere when the flood hit. It's eluding me, and that's bothering me.
A week from yesterday, is the time of the first ritual. I've got everything ready now, except the athame.
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