I've been doing a lot of theological and philosophical study, in spite of outward appearances. I mean, I was in Duquette's online Thoth course, and I sort of petered out of my study there. It got to be too much, to much knowledge, too much mental masturbation from the other students, and just too much in general. I plan on saving the material and looking back in bits and pieces, at my own pace.
At times, I think that makes me a bad...whatever I am. Magi? Witch? Soror? At times, I feel bad for not dedicating myself wholesale to a dogma. I read extensively on some philosophy, religion, labeled set of rules, historic secret society, and file it away. I think about that knowledge, late at night before I fall asleep, when I'm in the shower, when I appear to be doing something menial like chopping vegetables, or picking weeds. I think about it a lot. I feel it. I really try to find my place in this knowledge, these ideas, dogmas, names, charts, numbers, alphabets, connections. I try to find places within my self for this stuff.
When learning a new system, I always have this period of feeling like "this is so close to my 'thing' that this must be it, and I have to try very very hard to learn it and use it" It happened with Satanism, first, then Wiccanism, in my early teens, then...well, after that I was well adrift. I toyed with ceremonial magick in my late teens, but was in over my head. I drifted, always at first embracing, then really digging into, then not exactly abandoning, but sort of filing away whatever set of theological "rules" I've found. I have, and this stands true to this very day, found only label that I can identify with, and that is Thelemite. Not a member of the A.A. Not a member of the OTO, although I imagine affiliation with those groups would teach me immeasurable amounts of knowledge, but then...what good is a fuckload of knowledge, without the zing? How much is too much?
It's not knowledge I seek. I get ahold of what I need to know, when I need to know it. I definitely don't seek any sort of fraternity, because I hold that the minute I attach myself to a group, then my own path is compromised by the group's goals. I wouldn't join any group that doesn't 100% coincide with my personal trip to enlightenment, and I haven't found one yet. Even my soul mate, my magickal counterpart, my twin flame, and I disagree. A lot.
Last year, I really got deeply into ceremonial magick again, really delved deep into Crowley's teachings, reading greedily, studying, meditating. Quabala, Goetia, a little Enocian stuff here and there. I love it. I mean it's really fucking fascinating, loads of useful stuff. Only, I am not it. It's not me. Every book I read about Crowley's life devolves into I don't even know.... This title, that name, this group, that exclusive society, this high priest of hoodyhoo shit talking that high priest, this student doing that, that student doing her, he said, she said....the minutia of group politics, and drama. I'm reading an *excellent* book right now paralleling Dion Fortune and Aleister Crowley's lives, and how they've together ushered in the current Aeon. Awesome. Till it drags in the middle chapters with loads of names, fabricated trumped up titles, shit talking, politics, stealing, pomposity...and I think to myself "these are the people that mold my spirituality?". I file the good. Ignore the human claptrap and move on. Sometimes, I really feel as though I should have stuck to reading only the Book of the Law, because I fully embrace it. It's a poetic framework for my own beliefs. It's still the words of man, and I have separated the man from the Word. Delving very deep (and I mean very) always leaves me a little disappointed. I feel like I've chased all the goodies down this path or that, and it eventually leads the same place, the same things I've known in my heart since childhood, only with different names. Reassuring, but sometimes a waste of time. Good to increase the knowledge, though. It's sometimes hard to sort out.
The point is, all knowledge is a tool. That's all it is, no more, no less. The more knowledge I have, the wider range of tools I have to choose from. Knowledge is a powerful tool, a Sword, if you will. I use the sword, master it, control it, and I am coming to terms with not eviscerating myself on it.
As I get older, it's easier to separate the useful tools, the helpful ones, from the crap. It's a lot easier, these days to sort out opinion and trumpery. I'm beginning to not feel bad about not learning every scrappy little nuance about any system, and adopting it as my own. I used to think I was a seeker, looking for just the right thing. Now I think throughout all the seeking, I've sort of invented, polished, and work ever towards perfecting the Right Thing (for me, anyway), and I always do it with love. Love for the divine, love for myself, love for the journey, love for the process. No guilt. I work daily to strip my own ego, to purify my path, and strengthen my empathy for the world and people.
My best knowledge still comes directly from the Universe. I still have gained more watching the life and death cycles of living things in my proximity, the movement of the sun across the sky, and the spinning of stars, growing things, destructive forces. Watching the crushing force of a thoughtless boot on a newly sprouted sprig of basil, the effects of neglect and abuse, the effects of love and compassion. It's all magickal, and to notice and tap in is truly the Great Work, to become one with all of this. Nothing, no words, symbols, artfice, bells, herbs, candles, books, no alphabet, nothing is more magical or powerful than the connection, it's divine Will that moves these things, and the divine Will within myself allows me to connect, to alter reality, learn the secrets of the universe, alter or enter the web that connects every living thing on every plane, move freely throughout space and time, find my fucking wallet, help people sort out their lives, sort out my own life. It's the divine connection, the pure shining empathy, unity and Love. The tools only help.
I don't know where I was going with this, honestly. I think I've just come to terms with not now, and not ever being a Grand High Whooptywhoop Authority High Priestess of Blah Blah Blah. It really is a load of bullshit.
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