I just realized that the last two posts here are about mostly the same thing. I feel extremely redundant. It's there, and I'm promising myself not to delete it. Apparently, I agonize about this more than I thought. I'd totally forgotten about that one from December.
Luiz just called leaving my mistakes to speak for themselves a taste of "humble cake" So there we have it. Now that I've thoroughly whined this to the ground, I can move on, amirite?
Also, I see a lot of posts about feeling "meh" and not taking up the cards much. At least that block is clear. I've been reading more, reading the cards more, and the movement is flowing again. I've got plans, and ideas again. It happens in a cyclical manner, I always go through a phase of freezing.
2.02.2011
I use little words. I feel dum.
I'm having a minor crisis of communication. It was triggered in part, by trying to explain the philosophy/non philosophy of Thelema to the uninitiated, then by listening to one of Joseph Campbell's many awesome and inspiring lectures. Luiz pointed out some part that correlated with Thelemic/Qabalistic belief, and I was like "yeah, I know, I've been playing along in my head" He apologized for insulting me. He didn't insult me, at all.
The other night, we were with friends celebrating Luiz's birthday, and C. said "Now we should go through Liber Resh, for the birthday boy" or something, then Luiz countered with the fact that he never memorizes anything. It came about because we were joking about birthdays, cold weather, invoking the sun, and other weird shit. I froze and gave him the O.O look. Now, in my head in response to Luiz, I thought "dude! That's a short one! HAIL UNTO THEE ABODES OF THE DAY...or somesuch." I could have said that. Instead we have this. O.O
I keep it in my head. I keep it all in my head. When it comes out, I can't remember names or dates, and I can barely cite books I get them from. If I wanna find some random correspondence, I can march to my bookshelf and pull out the exact book, and maybe flip to the right section. If someone asked me, I'd be like..."hurrr...Google it?" I understand Aeons, and I know how and when they flip over. I feel the dying god everywhere. I feel the bottom of the earth and I reach for the highest star, the HGA that's inside that little infinite center of me. I've drank from the Cup, swam in the Cup, soiled the Cup, am the Cup. I get the Abyss, the need to cross it, and what it might be like on the other side, and have explained it using analogies, but to present what I know in an informed intellectual sentence is where I stumble. I'm having a hard time making sense right now. I'm concerned that I come across as a total shallow dipshit. Listening to Joseph Campbell explain something like that so eloquently and perfectly simply makes me clench my fists and squeeze back huge tears of stupid. I'm dumbstruck.
It makes reading tarot cards difficult. Well, not reading. Explaining to people. Sometimes I get so toungetied and frustrated, I just point to the card, and say things like "LOOK! It's ALL RIGHT THERE!" I often resort to analogies, and like, bullshit self-help speak, because I often can't tell my sitters the real nuts and bolts of the card. I know what every bend, star, lobster, leaf, and everything that is and isn't on that card means. I know what it means historically, astrologically, numerically, runically, in many different systems, and I know what it means pertaining to any question. I can't tell it out loud. I'm like "look..donkeys, ooh." . I feel like a hack. Every time I talk about philosophy and spirituality, I feel like a hack. I'm lucky, with Luiz, because he'll ask me a question, and I can say something like "Oh man. Pfwah. No! Look." Then I make mouth noises, and flip the card at him, and he understands.
In my own rituals I have been complicated, virgin beeswax candles handmade by the light of a full moon, star charts, robes, proper astrological houses in line, down to the hour of the day or night, with the wind blowing in the right direction, ritually charged implements made of the properly vibrating and resonating materials, chanting, learning whole alphabets and languages, I have done and ritually practiced all that shit. I have been simple. Throwing a circle of table salt and praying. Scrying into a campfire or a kitchen bowl of tap water. It all works. It. All. Works. When I speak, I lean towards the table salt and tap water language, I guess. Sometimes, I worry that it doesn't work to get things across to other people.
Sometimes, I want to use big words and throw around names and numbers. Now I just have to figure out what it will take to discipline my thinking/communicating centers.
The other night, we were with friends celebrating Luiz's birthday, and C. said "Now we should go through Liber Resh, for the birthday boy" or something, then Luiz countered with the fact that he never memorizes anything. It came about because we were joking about birthdays, cold weather, invoking the sun, and other weird shit. I froze and gave him the O.O look. Now, in my head in response to Luiz, I thought "dude! That's a short one! HAIL UNTO THEE ABODES OF THE DAY...or somesuch." I could have said that. Instead we have this. O.O
I keep it in my head. I keep it all in my head. When it comes out, I can't remember names or dates, and I can barely cite books I get them from. If I wanna find some random correspondence, I can march to my bookshelf and pull out the exact book, and maybe flip to the right section. If someone asked me, I'd be like..."hurrr...Google it?" I understand Aeons, and I know how and when they flip over. I feel the dying god everywhere. I feel the bottom of the earth and I reach for the highest star, the HGA that's inside that little infinite center of me. I've drank from the Cup, swam in the Cup, soiled the Cup, am the Cup. I get the Abyss, the need to cross it, and what it might be like on the other side, and have explained it using analogies, but to present what I know in an informed intellectual sentence is where I stumble. I'm having a hard time making sense right now. I'm concerned that I come across as a total shallow dipshit. Listening to Joseph Campbell explain something like that so eloquently and perfectly simply makes me clench my fists and squeeze back huge tears of stupid. I'm dumbstruck.
It makes reading tarot cards difficult. Well, not reading. Explaining to people. Sometimes I get so toungetied and frustrated, I just point to the card, and say things like "LOOK! It's ALL RIGHT THERE!" I often resort to analogies, and like, bullshit self-help speak, because I often can't tell my sitters the real nuts and bolts of the card. I know what every bend, star, lobster, leaf, and everything that is and isn't on that card means. I know what it means historically, astrologically, numerically, runically, in many different systems, and I know what it means pertaining to any question. I can't tell it out loud. I'm like "look..donkeys, ooh." . I feel like a hack. Every time I talk about philosophy and spirituality, I feel like a hack. I'm lucky, with Luiz, because he'll ask me a question, and I can say something like "Oh man. Pfwah. No! Look." Then I make mouth noises, and flip the card at him, and he understands.
In my own rituals I have been complicated, virgin beeswax candles handmade by the light of a full moon, star charts, robes, proper astrological houses in line, down to the hour of the day or night, with the wind blowing in the right direction, ritually charged implements made of the properly vibrating and resonating materials, chanting, learning whole alphabets and languages, I have done and ritually practiced all that shit. I have been simple. Throwing a circle of table salt and praying. Scrying into a campfire or a kitchen bowl of tap water. It all works. It. All. Works. When I speak, I lean towards the table salt and tap water language, I guess. Sometimes, I worry that it doesn't work to get things across to other people.
Sometimes, I want to use big words and throw around names and numbers. Now I just have to figure out what it will take to discipline my thinking/communicating centers.
12.18.2010
Communications
Been picking up the cards again. Like riding a bike? I never forget how, but sometimes it's like pedaling uphill with a bad case of diarrhea, sometimes it's like downhill racing. I feel like that uphill thing, now. like, there's something really worthwhile on top of the hill, so I'm torturing myself by doing a bunch of bullshit off base readings, till the stuff starts hitting true again. Warming up the gears, or something.
Last night, a friend started a conversation with me that started normally enough, and evolved into a philosophical theological discussion of the utmost rarity. In fact, Luiz is about the only person I've discussed this sort of innermost belief. And, we're chatting about it like two people discuss fucking barbecue recipes. It's really cool, and I hope a) my babbling doesn't drive the conversation into the ground, b) my normally deeply closeted philosophies sound alright, in text, because like a person that never speaks, I feel like my voice on this matter is cracked and hoarse. I hope I make sense, at least a little. From childhood, I've always been the most solitary of solitary practitioners, and only recently took on a "title". I've never talked about it with anyone before Luiz. I've always *known* my own shit, but to try to communicate that in a semi reasonable eloquent way is a complete challenge. I try writing about it, but it's like writing about the color of your own hair or the shape of your fingernails. It's such an inherent and fully explored section of myself, it would bore me to try to capture it in words. Or, sound redundant in my head. But then, a conversation springs up, and I'm a stammering retard.
Last night, a friend started a conversation with me that started normally enough, and evolved into a philosophical theological discussion of the utmost rarity. In fact, Luiz is about the only person I've discussed this sort of innermost belief. And, we're chatting about it like two people discuss fucking barbecue recipes. It's really cool, and I hope a) my babbling doesn't drive the conversation into the ground, b) my normally deeply closeted philosophies sound alright, in text, because like a person that never speaks, I feel like my voice on this matter is cracked and hoarse. I hope I make sense, at least a little. From childhood, I've always been the most solitary of solitary practitioners, and only recently took on a "title". I've never talked about it with anyone before Luiz. I've always *known* my own shit, but to try to communicate that in a semi reasonable eloquent way is a complete challenge. I try writing about it, but it's like writing about the color of your own hair or the shape of your fingernails. It's such an inherent and fully explored section of myself, it would bore me to try to capture it in words. Or, sound redundant in my head. But then, a conversation springs up, and I'm a stammering retard.
12.07.2010
Laid Them Aside
I haven't meaningfully read the cards in about a month. I have two friends who are waiting for an online reading from me, and it never leaves my mind, but every time I have a bit of time, I can't seem to do it. I haven't been reading for myself either.
When I read for other people, especially when I have the luxury of doing an online reading, I like to create a space, meditate, and really focus, as though I were doing a paid one on one reading. Even if it's not a paid reading, it's important to me to do it with a professional air.
I have an hour, right now, between work and when the house fills with people, and before I could even consider my cards, I have to clean the kitchen (physically clean space is as important as psychically clean space), select my deck, gather my stuff, meditate myself into the headspace, and by the time I got prepared...the hour would be up, and...bah.
There's too much earthly static, lately, with the holidays, and my increased work schedule. I've not been sleeping at night, and have been dragging through the day. The paid tarot reading jobs haven't been coming as frequently lately, either, so no real reason to constantly do it.
Now that I got this all off my chest, maybe I can start working towards fixing all the problems, eh?
When I read for other people, especially when I have the luxury of doing an online reading, I like to create a space, meditate, and really focus, as though I were doing a paid one on one reading. Even if it's not a paid reading, it's important to me to do it with a professional air.
I have an hour, right now, between work and when the house fills with people, and before I could even consider my cards, I have to clean the kitchen (physically clean space is as important as psychically clean space), select my deck, gather my stuff, meditate myself into the headspace, and by the time I got prepared...the hour would be up, and...bah.
There's too much earthly static, lately, with the holidays, and my increased work schedule. I've not been sleeping at night, and have been dragging through the day. The paid tarot reading jobs haven't been coming as frequently lately, either, so no real reason to constantly do it.
Now that I got this all off my chest, maybe I can start working towards fixing all the problems, eh?
11.06.2010
Halloween, Whatever
So, no Halloween ritual, this year. We were in Connecticut. More accurately, we were driving home from Ct. During my normal time. We got home shortly before midnight, and for a hot minute, I was thinking "there's still time!" Then reality hit, and I realized...totally exhausted, totally unprepared. I was feeling dejected. Last Halloween wasn't so hot either. I had a nervous breakdown, last year, in fact, and wound up crying at the foot of my bed, curled into a ball. Luiz put it into perspective, when he said that I didn't need that special Halloween ritual, that the time was well spent working on family time. The trip to Ct. was excellent for Irv and Alden to bond, and spend some honest to god unforced quality time together. That's as important as any ritual, and I'm glad I focused my energies there, this year. I'm forever encouraging Luiz not to get hung up on particulars, and be flexible enough to learn many things, and be able to "drink from many cups" so to speak. Like, a bowl of water, can be as powerful as any Enochian Vision Table or whatever. I need to listen to my own preaching sometimes, and remember that any old fucking Tuesday night can be just as powerful as Halloween. It's inspired me to prepare, and plan for just such a night.
Speaking of Tuesday nights. The Shoesday thing has taken off, for me. Two weeks ago, I did one on the Cornucopia Princess, a dinner cruise, and made the most money I've ever made, and I've got one coming up this Tuesday at Piero's, a fancy restaurant. The Thursday nights at Aders has dropped off. Honestly, it wasn't worth my time. I haven't been reading for myself much, lately, but I mean to remedy that soon. Tonight, being a Saturday, might be out, because I know Irv is dying to go to the bar and hang out, but I'm thinking tomorrow night might be a good time to clear the table, clear my mind, and really get into the cards. My energy supplies have been drained to empty, by mundane things, lately. So much so that I crash, shaking into bed every night, I'm emotional and frazzled. It's been getting better the past few days, so it's time to start getting the gears working again.
Speaking of Tuesday nights. The Shoesday thing has taken off, for me. Two weeks ago, I did one on the Cornucopia Princess, a dinner cruise, and made the most money I've ever made, and I've got one coming up this Tuesday at Piero's, a fancy restaurant. The Thursday nights at Aders has dropped off. Honestly, it wasn't worth my time. I haven't been reading for myself much, lately, but I mean to remedy that soon. Tonight, being a Saturday, might be out, because I know Irv is dying to go to the bar and hang out, but I'm thinking tomorrow night might be a good time to clear the table, clear my mind, and really get into the cards. My energy supplies have been drained to empty, by mundane things, lately. So much so that I crash, shaking into bed every night, I'm emotional and frazzled. It's been getting better the past few days, so it's time to start getting the gears working again.
9.29.2010
Shoesday Part Two
I've been lax again, but with reason. My keyboard was broken for awhile, and it was a frustrating mess to type without half the keys.
Anyhoo, I'm back now, and with a regular tarot gig.
Thoughts:
Shoesday came up rather suddenly, as in I found out about it last week. The event was last night, and I read for "free" again. Three card readings this time. I learned my lesson about spreading myself too thin, for sure. Honestly, I dreaded it. Last time left more of an impact on me, than I really thought. So, I dragged through my day, threw some clothes on (forget a dress and heels, I was ready to peel off all my clothes last time, halfway through the night), and headed over.
It started a little later, this time, and had about half the attendees. I made super sure I had a good table, as opposed to the tiny little side table I worked from last time. Good seating, and a good crowd. It was all together a classier affair, there was a long wine/food tasting, and no vendors competing for floor space. The women were all bubbly and in a good mood (without being all insane, like last time) and since it was quieter, I was able to communicate better. I did have to shout at times, and my voice was sort of shot by the end of the night, but again, way better than last time. I'd say I read for about 20 people, including DJ Pete. I made a lot more money this time, for a few reasons. I had a tip jar out, for starters, and I was able to say at the beginning of each reading "Three cards are free, but for $5, I'll do a six card reading..." and so on. I was able to concentrate and connect to each person, and really every single reading was a total home run. I got chills, gave chills, was moved almost to tears, moved at least two women to tears, consoled, encouraged, and empowered and that's *really* why I do it, to empower. One thing came as a surprise, quite a few people opted for the $10 Celtic cross readings. I know $10 is cheap for a ten card full spread, but I went through them fast, and people were really satisfied, which earned tips. One thing that helped, I'm sure, is staying hydrated. I made a strong tea of mugwort, mint, and wormwood (bitter! but worth it), and sipped it from my thermos mug throughout the night. I never flagged. By the end of the night last time, my well was empty, and I was sort of grasping at straws. This time, it all flowed through to the end.
Today, I'm in my pajamas all day, and relaxing. I don't think I grounded poperly after coming home from all that. I was thoroughly energized all night, and came home glowing and buzzing. Then, shortly after I got home, and ate something...I passed out. Like someone unplugged me. I woke up this morning crazy, confused, disorganized, groggy. Something to keep in mind, next time.
Next time being tomorrow. My regular gig is now twice a month at Ader's on Thursday nights. If last night is any indication, I'm gaining quite a following. Some weeks it's good, some it's a struggle to sit there and look busy all night. Like, last week, I earned 15 bucks. A few weeks ago, I earned a lot more. What I really hope for, is face to face appointments, from all this.
It's been a slow, steady rolling start, but I can say I'm really earning money from this tarot gig, now. It's becoming a source of not only joy, but income, now.
Anyhoo, I'm back now, and with a regular tarot gig.
Thoughts:
Shoesday came up rather suddenly, as in I found out about it last week. The event was last night, and I read for "free" again. Three card readings this time. I learned my lesson about spreading myself too thin, for sure. Honestly, I dreaded it. Last time left more of an impact on me, than I really thought. So, I dragged through my day, threw some clothes on (forget a dress and heels, I was ready to peel off all my clothes last time, halfway through the night), and headed over.
It started a little later, this time, and had about half the attendees. I made super sure I had a good table, as opposed to the tiny little side table I worked from last time. Good seating, and a good crowd. It was all together a classier affair, there was a long wine/food tasting, and no vendors competing for floor space. The women were all bubbly and in a good mood (without being all insane, like last time) and since it was quieter, I was able to communicate better. I did have to shout at times, and my voice was sort of shot by the end of the night, but again, way better than last time. I'd say I read for about 20 people, including DJ Pete. I made a lot more money this time, for a few reasons. I had a tip jar out, for starters, and I was able to say at the beginning of each reading "Three cards are free, but for $5, I'll do a six card reading..." and so on. I was able to concentrate and connect to each person, and really every single reading was a total home run. I got chills, gave chills, was moved almost to tears, moved at least two women to tears, consoled, encouraged, and empowered and that's *really* why I do it, to empower. One thing came as a surprise, quite a few people opted for the $10 Celtic cross readings. I know $10 is cheap for a ten card full spread, but I went through them fast, and people were really satisfied, which earned tips. One thing that helped, I'm sure, is staying hydrated. I made a strong tea of mugwort, mint, and wormwood (bitter! but worth it), and sipped it from my thermos mug throughout the night. I never flagged. By the end of the night last time, my well was empty, and I was sort of grasping at straws. This time, it all flowed through to the end.
Today, I'm in my pajamas all day, and relaxing. I don't think I grounded poperly after coming home from all that. I was thoroughly energized all night, and came home glowing and buzzing. Then, shortly after I got home, and ate something...I passed out. Like someone unplugged me. I woke up this morning crazy, confused, disorganized, groggy. Something to keep in mind, next time.
Next time being tomorrow. My regular gig is now twice a month at Ader's on Thursday nights. If last night is any indication, I'm gaining quite a following. Some weeks it's good, some it's a struggle to sit there and look busy all night. Like, last week, I earned 15 bucks. A few weeks ago, I earned a lot more. What I really hope for, is face to face appointments, from all this.
It's been a slow, steady rolling start, but I can say I'm really earning money from this tarot gig, now. It's becoming a source of not only joy, but income, now.
8.01.2010
Lammas!
It's decided. For years, I've followed the Sabbats quietly, to myself. Planning barbecues around various harvest days, dedicating a particular glass of wine, or act of love to the proper deity on the proper day. Picking flowers, and decorating my altar, in accordance to the seasons, but I've never vocally had full on celebrations.
That starts now. Today, with the feast of Lammas! Loud and proud. I realize, as I look around, that I have people to celebrate with me! Once upon a time, I was a solitary little witch, reading and studying late into the night, holding my rituals solo. Now I have a willing partner, a fairly apathetic hanger on, and a boy dawning into manhood that was raised pagan. Time to party!
Cheers. As I drink this very delicious, very expensive beer, that I blessed and dedicated to the Gods of Plenty, I realize how truly blessed we are, and remind myself that living a life of constraint, quietude, and self denial is in direct opposite of my True Will. Let love flow. Bring on the feast, the food, drink, and the fornication The time for quietude is later.
That starts now. Today, with the feast of Lammas! Loud and proud. I realize, as I look around, that I have people to celebrate with me! Once upon a time, I was a solitary little witch, reading and studying late into the night, holding my rituals solo. Now I have a willing partner, a fairly apathetic hanger on, and a boy dawning into manhood that was raised pagan. Time to party!
Cheers. As I drink this very delicious, very expensive beer, that I blessed and dedicated to the Gods of Plenty, I realize how truly blessed we are, and remind myself that living a life of constraint, quietude, and self denial is in direct opposite of my True Will. Let love flow. Bring on the feast, the food, drink, and the fornication The time for quietude is later.
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