Amazon letting me track my orders is both a blessing and a curse. I love knowing where my stuff is, but when I see that it's in Keyport, my local post office, I get all frantic. I know my mailman's habits, in this neighborhood, like I know my own, so I get a little loony. He pulls up around 11, and parks in front of my house. He grabs half his stuff, and shoots across the street, and down a side road. He comes back after about 20 minutes, grabs some more stuff, and does my street. I am always last, he does my house as he's getting ready to leave, which is almost always at 12:05ish. Fucking crazy, right? If I told him this, he would probably think I was crazy. He might anyway, I've met him in the yard before, as he was walking up the steps. If I have boxes, he takes them off the truck last... Today, I got home from work around 20 after 11, and I expected to see him there, halfway through his delivery. NO! No truck... So, maybe he was early....NO! I sigh, go inside, and try to remain patient.

He got here at 11:45, and did his thing. I was hanging out by the kitchen window, watching his every move...half the stuff, down the block, come back (OH MY GOD I KNOW MY BOX IS IN THERE JUST GIVE IT TO MEAAAGGHGHHHhhhhhhhh..remain calm, remain calm...) I am worse than a kid on Christmas. Why am I freaking out? I just got three of the things that I think will change and improve how I read the cards FOREVER. The Druidcraft deck, Tarot Wisdom by Rachel Pollack, and Understanding the Court Cards by Mary K Greer.

By the way, Rachel Pollack and Mary Greer are like goddesses, to me. They are gentle, wise, and wonderful women, and they have taken me by the hand and heart, and led me down the path of the Tarot in ways I could never imagine. It is to both of them, that I owe boundless growth, and interpreting the tarot, instead of the rote memorization I'd been stuck in. Because of these two authors, I have REALLY learned to read the cards, and indoctrinate them into my life on all levels. I can't even express the gratitude that I have for their writings, and wisdom.

Back on track...I open the Druidcraft deck, and realize that this is the One. The Where Have You Been All My Life deck. Hell, it even has a picture of ME in it (look at the Queen of Pentacles, that's me, red hair, belly, and all.) More than any other deck, I just wanted to spend hours sifitng and poring over these. As soon as I opened them, and soaked in the imagery, three readings popped into my mind, insistant, nagging. I have to do these, this is the deck, this is the right way.

Oh man, today is so great. It feels like my birthday.

All in all, I spent a good chunk of change on cards, bags, and books, and these will be the last ones I get for a long time. I have 9 decks, now, all together, and I feel like this is the one I was waiting for. I can safely say that I am not interested in picking any more up. Honestly, I feel like I want to give away a few of my existing ones. Thoth, Universal RWS, Druidcraft are all I need. The others feel like novelties, by comparison. Now, I just have to get the bag situation sorted out, and try to kick that little habit...

Of course, I can't just dive right in, I have all sorts of things that will keep me out of the house for the next 6 or so hours. I'm practically vibrating with energy, and the need to dive into my cards, and read read read. At least I can bring my books with me, to the bowling alley, and read while I cheer The Boy on.

Journaling woes

I'm having a weird journal moment. I bought a really special leather bound travel journal, last year. Like some things, I had the want, but not the need, it seemed, because I made one entry, and shelved the whole thing. It's been sitting on my desk, here, a foot away from my left hand for over a year.

Today, at work, I had an epiphany. I wanted another kind of Tarot journal, where I take each card, one by one, and designate a page or two about my findings on that card. I have this "fresh start" thing, with journals, must start a new one every time I get a new inspiration, or project... yes, I have 4827656 unfinished journals hanging around. Two dream journals, one rune journal, one book of shadows, and a handful of regular journals. Plus...two blogs. Indicitave of something, I'm sure.

One day, I will collect and condense. I have a very expensive leather bound book, just for that. I keep it in my nightstand, I look at it, a book of untapped potential, frequently. Sort of a goal? Not sure.

I'm digressing. So, back to my epiphany...I went to buy a refill for this leather job, and I want to outline each card, and all. I dusted, and cleaned the binding with mink oil. I found a good pen. The weird part, though, I can't seem to bring myself to starting it. I think I'm just going to kind of hang around with the book itself, and wait for my RWS deck to come in. I feel like this deck is going to unlock a buncha blocks I've been facing. Once I have a big, beautiful, symbolic, clear deck in my hands, for study, then I can do it. My existing RWS is so tiny, it gives me eyestrain, and it feels broken and empty, since it got damaged. Like all the vibes and life just left.

My ultimate goal, with this particular journal is this: I want my OWN book of meanings. I love Rachel Pollack. I love Mary K. Greer's intuitional style. I read them extensively, but I want to add my own intuititive style, and potential situations for each card, so that I can firm up many aspects of each card, in my mind.

I feel like some of my beginning readings were shallow, because I'm thinking in absolutes, in quick sentences. That's how I did it when I was a kid, and it's a tough habit to break. I want each card represented as the miniature universe it should be.

Interesting Reading

I recently did a reading for someone, that was interesting. First of all, drawing this person into this reading that he wanted was a challenge. His energy was all over the place, and unfocused. I guess I require a certain level of flowing energy between my querant and I. I always read for people I'm on the same page with, to to speak, and this was a challenge. Reigning his wild, unfocused energy in was like trying to tame a team of wild horses. Once he settled down, everything went a little more smoothly. The first reading was kind of a lark, the second one was more indepth, a little more specific and honest, and the third one was a total doozy.

Without going into too much detail, regarding relationships, don't ask the cards what you don't want to know. They're brutally honest.

Much better, tonight

I got back to basics, tonight. Well, actually the opposite of basics. I set up a space, purified it, brought out the quartz ball, and some amythest points. I added mugwort, lavender, rose, sage, and balm of gilead to each deck bag. I addressed all my decks, and chose the one that felt right (Mystic Dreamer, how I love you so).

I sorted all the cards, turned them right side up, as a meditational excersise, and contemplated them. I seperated all the suits and the majors. Then I very slowly did the Seven Candle shuffle, then a few riffle shuffles, then just started moving the cards back and forth, in my hands. Around that time, everything went soft and unfocused, my trigger to tell me that I'm in Alpha, which is the ideal state for stuff like this. That's definitely one thing I've been missing, the meditative, spiritual aspect of readings. It's back, and whoa, what a reading. What a PAIR of readings.

First I did the "Getting to Know Myself" diamond spread, as recorded in my journal. It was so succesful. So on. So honest, and telling. I learned a lot, faced some of my uglyness, faced some truths. I felt so warm and good about myself, on both the mundane and spiritual levels, that I was ready to tackle the Thoth question again. I did a (now finally memorized, thank God) Celtic Cross spread, just to answer this, "What is my path, in regards to the Thoth"? Some suprises, there. Some things I wasn't sure of, till now. Overall very encouraging.

Some key points that I learned tonight:

- Cut out all the static from outside sources. Read the books. Hang around AT forums, but seperate the wheat from the chaff. Don't obsess over what people have to say, there.

- Learning the Thoth deck on Crowley's terms isn't for me. I am not interested in the OTO, nor the Thelema, nor the Golden Dawn's esotericness. I AM very interested in the deck, and the man, but I already have my own, well worn, wide open and clear path to enlightenment. I can and will embrace this deck, I will read the Book of Thoth, but I will do it with my own interpretations.

- Get back to Spirituality. I am a Witch, first and foremost. Don't forget what led me to these studies in the first place. Don't forget the forest, by obsessing over one tree.

A Crutch?

So, today, besides the time I spent writing here, and setting up this blog, has ranged from mildly cold and sad, to raging frustration, crying and flinging a sizzling pan of fried rice across the house. Long story, and not for this blog, really. The point is, it's a very stifling, cold, low energy, drudgy, unmotivated mood I'be been in. I can think of no reason, and a thousand reasons, but something needs to be done.

My first thought, was the cards. Now, I am a very spiritual, deep, ritualistic Witch. Normally, my first thoughts would be this: Drum cleaning. I would clean clean clean, getting out all the physical cobwebs, dust, and clutter, making everything shine and sparkle. Then, the first sunny not-too-cold day, throw open all the windows (briefly, as to not kill the spiders) and do a full house drum ritual, with accompanying purifying sage and sweetgrass smudging. This gets rid of the metaphysical cobwebs, dust, and clutter. I've been doing it periodically since I moved in here, and it works a treat. Of course, as soon as I seized on it, I decided to do it.

Why, though, did I think of the cards first? What can they do for me? Am I obsessing? They won't really genuinely make me feel better, they'll answer my questions, give me something to do, but I can't find real honest comfort in a tool. Which is what they are. I'm tending to personify them, more, which is ok, because they do have genuine energy, attributes, and are developing certan vibes...but they are paper and ink. Paper and ink.

Since this whole cards thing hit me, during my annual "Looking through the Veil" Halloween ritual, I have been kind of shelving actual ritual and meditation, my standby sane-haven. My communion with God/dess. My little tributes and prayers, every day. Well, not that, I still pray, but anything more involved than that has fallen by the wayside.

I have to learn to successfully combine the two. I have to work both into my life, so that one can benefit the other, that IS what tarot is for, after all. I cannot lose sight of that.

Containment, care, and feeding

So, I have three working decks, currently, and one retired deck. I have yet to work out an effective system to storing them.

Some people leave them in the original boxes, and stack them on a bookshelf. That's too formal, and too "exposed" for me. Exposed to dust, weird energies, all that. Another thing that doesn't work is this; I hate putting them in and taking them out of cheap, flappy cardboard boxes. The boxes get demolished, cramming them into said boxes can damage the cards, and it's just so fussy. When I used to play Magic: The Gathering, I did away with those boxes on the way home from the store, pretty much. I kept them in special "deck boxes" which were sturdier two piece boxes, with no flaps, or whatever.

I'm thinking of some combination of boxes and bags, for my decks. Maybe wooden boxes, and organza bags. The bags are transparent, crispy fabric, that offeres little protection. I think I want one good sturdy lined bag, to carry my "on the go" deck. I have two wooden boxes, already, that are both small. In fact, one just fits my huge Thoth deck, and I think that's what will live there. It's such a majestic deal, it wants to live by itself, in its own special box. I need a nice piece of fabric to wrap around it, though, to cushion it.

Then, there's the question of herbs. I use herbs in many aspects of my life, both mundane and spiritual. It's only natural that I enhance my vision and intuition with some mugwort, or eyebright. I'm considering packing pinches of both with individual decks, and having a cup of mugwort tea, as part of my tarot homework ritual time. Also, scent. Scent is so evocative. My RWS wants to smell like a rose. A sacred, lovely, multilayered rose. My Mystic Dreamer wants something dreamy, like lavender, smoky like sage, sweet, like vanilla.

Then, my Thoth deck, is all static and cling. How to de-static it? The whole giant deck just clings to its glossy self.

Somehow, I have to make sense of boxes, bags, and individual decks, herbs, scents, temperaments...Who knew they would demand such upkeep?

2009's year card

That's interesting. Last night, I was trying to figure out my Year Card, and I kept coming up with weird stuff. I just picked up the scrap of paper, that I was messing with, trying to figure it all out...and immediately, it hit me. My numbers reduce to 2. The Priestess. That's my year card. I use my birthday as the transition, so come May 13, I will be entering into a Priestess phase in my life. 2008 was The Sun. Pretty accurate. Can't wait till the year ahead, now. Maybe it means good things for the daunting tasks ahead of me, esoterically speaking.

Is the Mystic Dreamer my cop-out?

Nothing against the deck itself, of course, but it's such a convienent and accessable deck. In my "New Deck Interview" spread, it confessed that one of its shortcomings was the 6 of Cups. A little too nurturing? A little too motherly? That's what I got, considering the very image on that card is a mother and daughter, filling 6 cups full of flowers. To me, it's such a soft, fuzzy, nonthreatening deck, it even makes the bad news easier to handle, sort of like when your mom breaks it to you.

Now, why would this be a cop out? Because the other deck I'm involved with, currently, is the Thoth. That is NOT a soft, fuzzy deck. It is NOT nonthreatening. In fact, when I did the deck interview, and asked it to tell me a little about itself, I got the very foreboding 8 of Swords. Thoth calls this card Interference. I read it as a huge, black, pointy fence. Mainly I want to dig deeper, with this deck, and ultimately make it my main deck for readings. I am so drawn to the mythos, the imagery, and the history of this deck and it's enigmatic creator. I want this in my life. It's a lot to swallow, though. When I study (and I mean really study) the Thoth, after while, it feels like someone opened my cranial cavity and poured seltzer in there. Everything is blurry and sharply bubbly, and nothing makes sense afterwhile.

Some reflections: I am the kind of girl who needs to learn on the fly, and "get" things quickly. I am a very fast learner, so this is ok, most of the time. I also like the challenge of having to work at something. I plan on taking the Thoth in small, intense doses, while practicing reading, and just sorta "palling around" with my Mystic Dreamer.

I have two more decks, coming in the mail in the next week, one very artsy deck called the Gilded, which is loaded with color and vibrant images, and a recolored version of the old chestnut, Rider-Waite-Smith. I was thinking of using the RWS as my reading deck, it's more formal and more familiar than the Mystic Dreamer, and less, well...dreamy. I guess I'll cross that bridge when they get here.