I want it all, and I want it now!

A tale of when that works, and when it doesn't.  Names WAY changed.


Charlotte has gracefully come through a period in her life where she extracted herself out of an abusive marriage, came to terms with the death of her father (her idol, her mentor), and navigated a strange old/new budding romance.  She wrote a memoir.  She's about to be published.  This romance is what I'm addressing here.  It's tricky.  He's high profile (like, if I said his name, 90% of you would go "oh shit...that guy?" ) and they were close friends before fame.  She turned him down 30 years ago, romantically.  He went on to have painfully loveless marriage.  She is the heart in his life, they reconnected after her father died, and many years later, the chemistry is strong.  She wrote the book for herself, about her life, incidentally mentioning this whole thing.  It's going to come out soon, and she's not doing it to be sordid, she just wanted to write her story.  She's completely guile-less. I know what you're thinking, that she's doing it for attention/money/any number of self aggrandizing reasons.  Nope.  She wrote her memoir, focusing on her journey and three prominent men in her life, her husband her father and this guy.  She loves him. The communicate often, and it's very sweet, like high school romantic, even though they're both pushing 60.  They're slowly coming together, with this book being a catalyst.  He's married, but it's publically loveless.  It's a known thing.  His wife hates him, but loves the society life.  His wife knows about this, but doesn't give a fuck.  It's really fascinating, I've known Charlotte for about 7 months, reading for her quite frequently.  I know pretty much everything about her life, her family, her motivations, her dreams and fears.  She's in love, he's in love with her, and the divines shine upon it. It's the kind of uplifting love that will better everyone involved, and it's for the greater good.  Like, art will stem from this romance.  It already has.  She's going for it, with blessings from the universe.


Danielle is her sister.  She's in love with a higher up at work, a classic office crush.  She's very much in love with this man, we'll call him Cole.  He's also super married, with old money involved, lots of family almost an arranged marriage situation, young children.  She's so in love.  The guy is a good guy, moral, great job, stable, intelligent, witty, handsome, I mean a real genuinely caring and good man.  Also married.  And, being a good man, he's not at all willing to cheat on his wife.  Danielle is so in love with him.  She's been infatuated for over a year.  He has told her, point blank "please don't text me, unless it has to do with the job" and things like "I know what you want, and I can't give you what you want." I've been reading for her for 7 months, too.  But, you know what?  I don't know a ton about her.  I know about her infatuation with Cole, because even though we spend at least an hour a week together on average, it's not so much about her life, hopes, dreams, but Cole Cole Cole.  What's he thinking? Why did he go to Mexico this week? Is he with his wife? Is he having fun in Mexico?  Is he thinking of me?  He likes blondes, is he flirting with that new girl Lauren?  I have told her before that she needs to maybe focus on herself, and stop chasing this whole thing.  Like, if it were meant to be, it would happen.  For her to find her interests again, because like her sister, she's intelligent, well rounded, great conversationalist, lots of cool interests...but for the past year, she's become less of herself because of this infatuation.  It's like, "honey, when was the last time you went for a swim, or pulled out your watercolors?"  Hardly ever, because she's hanging around Cole's after work watering holes, hoping for a sighting.  Working insane overtime, just to be close to him.   She feels like this whole thing was Meant To Be.  That he is The One. Mr. Right. Mr. Forever. Guided by the arrows of Cupid, absolutely destined, her guardian angels all agree.   I genuinely care for her.  I pulled cards today, and had to look her in the eye and tell her point blank that this isn't love anymore, it's a flat out obsession, and that she's trying to validate it with all this high moral shit, but it's just straight up her desire.  I want him and I don't care, I want him I want him I want him *stomp foot*.  This is lust for results.  This is trying to have all your needs met, regardless of any other parties involved.  She's going for it, with no real love involved.  No love for herself (why would you throw yourself at a brick wall for so long?  That's fucking torture) and no real love for Cole, because if she loved him, she'd know him, recognize that he's happy and not going anywhere.  I mean, I never met the guy, but I have him figured out better, because my vision isn't clouded by lust.  She's going for it, and it's costing her so much.

So, it's Valentine's day, blah.  I'm coping with a medical issue.  I feel like shit.  Irv had to go into work before I got home from work, so our whole day was reduced to a rushed sandwich lunch, and promises to spend time together tomorrow or Monday.  I might have to cancel my reservations for dim sum tomorrow. It's snowing, it's shitty, and it's cold. The toilet at the shop seems broken again, and the heat has been broken all winter.  It was about 40 degrees in my space when I got there.  I had appointments today. Total day to bitch about.  Every year, Valentine's Day fucks me. I suppose it's because I spent years hating on it.

I dragged my ass in feeling like shit, and in a bad mood. Luiz drove me there which was nice.  I love his company, I love not having to be responsible for driving. I could spend the whole car ride putting myself in the proper headspace.  The first thing I got to hear about was Meredith meeting a man.... oh here we go, the usual drama...but wait... He likes her. That's good. We pulled cards, and he's surprisingly not a scumbag. She was positively buoyant.  My day turned around instantly.

Then, emboldened by a bracing mixture of prednisone, oxycontin, and xanax, I did a spontaneous Petit Lenormand Grand Tableau for a perfect stranger, my first sitting with this customer.  Just jumped up and laid out 36 cards.  Then had this "what the fuck was I just thinking? Because now I have to explain this to a total stranger..." I almost choked.   It went...well.  I saw everything very well, but I sort of had to bullshit my way through some of it, but I'd say I got 90% of the truth.  I also pulled a couple dozen tarot cards to fill in what I was BSing.

Then, and this is going to be an ongoing series, I think, I got to experience love through my customers.  Neighbor couple popped in today.  They always pay me $20, and then some choice strains of cannabis, and generally they'll bring a bottle of something fancy to drink.  Normally, I'll have a polite smoke and cordial glass, and read for them.  It's normally cool, we talk like friends, and I help them sort out life issues.

Luiz drove me in, because of the aforementioned pill cocktail, so tonight when they showed up with their usual mobile party, I partied right with them.  Tonight was special too, because I did a romantic past life spread for them, showcasing what they mean to each other now, and what they meant to each other in an influential past life.  I could see it really strengthening their bond, and reminding them why they're together.  I sense that they fight, hell, they fight right in my shop.  But they're a great couple, and very loving.  I sent them home feeling so happy for their relationship.  Their lives are a little fucked up, it's not perfect, they struggle to make ends meet, they struggle for stability.  They are always home, when they have each other, and that's something rare and great.

Finding love in your life isn't just about finding it for yourself.  I think there's something really important about being able to recognize it in other people, too.  Like, you are in love.  You are loving.  You love each other very much.

I have some more great and tragic love stories from my first year at 76 First Ave.  I'll share them soon, I think.  Before the memories get dull.

I haven't written in awhile, so let's talk about the state of affairs over here at Miss Lisa's traveling tarot dog and pony show.

I've been spending more time out of the "office" here on 76 1st Ave, and more time doing phone readings.  Good weeks have me working 7 days, and doing a reading or two every day, over the phone.  I've been out of the shop because I threw out my back, and have been a lot of pain for most of the month.  So, this weekend, I've come back in definitively, and things feel...better.

The energy isn't all over the place. Meredith seems...renewed.  She's going through a giant transformation, and I feel like all the help and support I've been providing both behind the scenes, and up front has been taking hold.  I harbored a lot of anger and resentment, throughout the late summer-into fall. but I sense such a change here, with her, and with the energy in the shop, that it has become a place of serenity for me again, like it was last winter.

I don't technically even have to be here, right now, I get most of my business doing house calls, phone, and internet readings, but damn does it feel good to have a base of operations that isn't my bedroom.  It feels good again, to show up here, light all my candles, pound out some incense and just "go to work"  I needed a break, Meredith needed a break from me.  As of today, all is well here, and I feel like we're on the path to bigger and better things.  

Tarot itself became a little tired for me.  Using the same decks and repeating the same things, it becomes a little stale.  Around the new year, I picked up the Lenormand system, and it fits like a glove.  This feels like a natural progression, that enhances what I do.  I'm still using the books and studying the cards, but it definitely feels natural and I'm taking to very well.  Already, for my personal questions, I'm turning more towards the Lenormand than tarot.  

I think, this year, I really want to pick up astrology too. A customer-friend is interested in starting to learn it, and I bought her a great book for Christmas.  Luiz also has that book, and I just might poach it, and tackle astrology head on once and for all.  

Pop Tart

Every so often I have a customer that tests my ability to keep a straight face. I love laughing with my customers, I love making them laugh and laughing with them, but I definitely cannot laugh AT them.

Let's call her Pop Tart.  In fact, Meredith was calling her that before I even got in today.  She's a young girl, wants to film a music video, and was consulting with the director on my couch when I got in today.  Already, that's weird, but hey "weird" as I always say, is my meat and potatoes.  After checking out my space and keeping me downstairs for the first hour I was here, they went off around town to find some more locations, and I thought that was the end of it.  But, right before taking off, Pop Tart needed a reading.  She got a $5, and in a nutshell, asked if a Major Pop Star from a Huge Boy Band will notice her video, and if he will like it.  I didn't laugh.  My eyebrows raised so far up on my head, though, I think they may have moved up a few millimeters permanently.

I saw some personal drama surrounding it, and that people will criticize her, but if she stays cool, she'll be successful.  She asked "you mean like his fans?  Because they're really harsh on women in his life, like girls he's dating".  Oh.  Oh honey.  In that moment, a cartoon plane crashed into a cartoon mountainside, and spiraled out into little cartoon burning chunks in my brain.  Sometimes, the imagery is so fucking crisp, and so hilarious, I almost burst out laughing right there, not so much at this very nice girl, but more like at what images this reading is throwing up on my screen.

But, every customer is my most important customer.  So, I took her in very much earnest, and read cards for her like I do for any one.  I sincerely wish her well.

Also, my fucking shop is about to be used for a backdrop for this video?  That's interesting.  I can't wait to show all my friends.

Things have been difficult lately.  I constantly second guess my role here, or the decisions that led me to where I am now.  This wasn't the right year, for starting a business, for starters.  I feel misled, the person who owns the shop I work out of started out being my friend, but she's not the person I thought she was, to say the least.  This is a toxic environment, honestly.  My space within the shop is sweet, and good, and inviting.  It's just a Herculean effort getting to this space, both physically and metaphorically speaking.

Reading cards isn't easy.  Reading cards in this store isn't at ALL easy.  Sitting here for 6-8 hours and NOT reading cards is somehow even harder, knowing that I could be packing, cleaning, reviewing documents pertinent to the House Situation, etc etc.

I'm sticking with it, though.  Here's why.  When I get into work, I have a whole opening ritual, where I go around my own shop cleaning, dusting, setting things up to be pretty.  I put temple bells on, over the speaker, or singing bowls, or cave chimes, and light a certain blend of incense that's designed to be attractive to folks, and give everyone that breathes it a sense of overall well being and mental good health.  I cast out a metaphorical net, calling people in who need me today.  I push my energy out as far as I can, in a blanket, hoping to touch someone that really just needs to talk.  And, every day that I do this, I get at least one person that *really* needed a reading.

I do it for them.

Last weekend was purely horrific, but I went in Sunday and wiped the slate clean, did my usual regimen, and I saw the people that needed me.  I read for a woman battling breast cancer, and I could see the end of it for her.  I saw that her body was rebuilding itself and strong.  I read for a woman who's abusive ex turned her adult children away from her for over 20 years, I saw that her eldest boy, the one she really thought was lost, was thinking about her and about to begin the process of rebuilding things with her.

When I'm sitting in the house, debating if it would be worth it to come in, I think of my customers.  If I can help give one struggling human some peace of mind, then the rest of the bullshit falls away, and the day becomes a Good Day.  Whether I make $20 or $200 that day, if I get one hug, one teary smile, one person that says "thank you, I feel so much better"  Then, it really is all worth it.  That's the joy that keeps me coming here every day, in spite of the toxicity that I have to fight. Or in spite of my own bad feelings.

It's rough.  If I don't blast music and occupy myself singing along, on the car ride here, I tend to do a lot of thinking.  Thinking is always bad these days.  There's nothing comforting, there's not really a light at the end of some proverbial tunnel, Life is in constant tumult.  If I get really thinking, then I start to break down, and my compartmentalization falls apart, and I become overwhelmed.  It happened today as I was driving in.  Thinking of my customers kept my car facing in the right direction, and kept me pushing to come in.

I know it sounds corny, but this is my calling.  It's not about the money, it's about who comes to me, who I can reach, who I can help.  It's a gift that I have, and I feel selfish just keeping it to myself.

I haven't written in awhile, here or anywhere, I'm verging on rusty.  This blog is fast becoming "observations on reading professionally" and since that's where I'm at, I guess, that's what it's about.

My space is complete, and gorgeous.  The downstairs of VV is its usual disgusting mess, and my room is this precious little treasure chest upstairs.  Joy loaned me her couch, which is this sweeping baroque sectional that curves halfway around my room...a total conversation piece, and a real looker.  Leah was kind enough to hook me up with her mother in law, who is moving and downsizing, and I netted some wonderful pieces of furniture, including a writing desk, a half-round glass table, and some other gorgeous pieces.  I'm furnished.  I'll never fill my place with stuff to sell, I've had a few nominal objects, like incense burners, herbs and stones, and no one seems interested in buying anything.

I do get customers, though.  My ideal amount of customers per day, I worked it out, is about 8, with a mix of small and larger readings, it would be financially perfect, and right in line with my energy level.  So far, I'm averaging about four a day.  Which makes it worth it to come in, but not quite profitable, yet.

Some things:  I love "seasoned" sitters, the women that come in already decked in stones, positivily radiating...something, some energy.  They're open, honest, and they know how to work with me for the best results.

I have one regular, she's a teenager, comes in for five dollar readings frequently.  She sits there tight lipped and enigmatic.  When the reading is over, I ask, as always, is everything clear? Does that make sense?  She nods, and takes off in a hurry.  Then she comes back.  The first time I read for her, I was thinking, ok, she was a curious person, one and done. I do a lot of $5 quickies like that, or kids or couples that are in to shop, then I never see them again.  But she came back, and back, and she asks a very vague question...like today it was "Family" and I read and saw some things, and she nods, tight lipped, giving me nothing, and then takes off.  I like her, she's a challenge.  As long as she keeps coming in, (and bringing friends, which sometimes happens), I'll know she's satisfied.  Today, the family question...3 cards $5, and it pulled a LOT of shit out.  I hate when that happens, because really, for five bucks, we're not going deep. But when something huge comes up there, I automatically want to help, and dig deeper.  I have to really restrain myself.

I've been meeting so many excellent people, mostly women, of every walk of life, and it's completely fascinating.  I love helping people.  I love that they trust me enough to dig into their huge life things, through my cards.  I earnestly want to befriend, and help every person that walks through my door.  I've only had very few encounters that felt stiff or odd, or off.

Some other things about doing this for a living.  I practice every day.  I crush herbs and resins, and make incense for my shop every single day.  I find myself devouring herbals and obscure books, just to learn more about everything.  I do magic, literally, every day.  I've become,  I feel, pretty goddamned good at glyphs, and I'm mastering blending incense, so that not only is it really effective...now I'm getting things to smell good too...a real departure for me.  Sure I can make an incense to purify and protect my place, but can I make it smell good?  That was the challenge, making a powerful blend that doesn't smell like burning socks.  I find myself with time to study schools that I never really looked at, like Hoodoo, and Vodun and all those Caribbean and South American traditions...good stuff...and palm reading. I keep trying to pick that up, too.  I feel like if I master that, it'll throw open more opportunities.

I'm settling in nicely here.  I've found something of a routine, and I'm working out the kinks in my schedule.  I think I'm finally even over the anxiety that all the downstairs VV drama brings me.

But, I feel like no matter what, no matter where I am, this is my calling.  Having this opportunity here at VV, maybe it's a giant hassle in some ways, but it's definitely shown me in a very short time that there's nothing in the world I'd rather do.  If these four walls are temporary, my being a professional tarot reader is definitely my calling, and I'll move mountains to keep pursuing it, here or anywhere.

Some quick observations about reading tarot professionally.

I was joking to Luiz about how at least 30% of reading for the public is showmanship.  There's a whole art, I've come to realize about delivery.  How you package the message.  I can look at the cards, and in an instant, I'm like "mmhmm. got it."  That's all I need.  For *you*, I've got to bring that "mmhm" into language.  I have to soften the blow of hard news, and deliver it as a warning instead of some kind of dire fate.  If the reading is boring, I have to play it up and make it more-ish.  Today, I had a lady come in for a 3 card spread and she asked me about finances, the cards literally told her to stop being a miser. Full stop. That one required a little showmanship to get through.  I can't build a business on one sentence outcomes.  The cards, though, they don't give a flying fuck about my business.  I'm at their mercy.  I do love online readings for that.  I don't need to act or play anything up, it becomes very natural to communicate in print.

Showmanship on all levels.  Lately, my tarot space has been under huge change.  I'm getting all of Meri's crap out of my loft, and trying to claim it, paint, and set up some inventory.  So, while I'm closed, I go into VV wearing my torn up working clothes, because there's a lot of vintage dirt in VV.  Then my regular customers come in for a reading, and instead of wearing a dress and jewelry, I'm wearing a tee shirt with holes in it and dirty jeans.  I'm comfy, but I feel like I'm not giving them my best.  I need a hair cut and a manicure, too.  I want my space to be beautiful and artistic, and I need to be that too.

It's happening.  I'm doing this for real. With four walls, a roof, and a following.  With a paycheck, and a place to go every day, and I'm doing exactly what I love.  If you had told me it would happen six months ago, I would have died laughing.