Things have been difficult lately.  I constantly second guess my role here, or the decisions that led me to where I am now.  This wasn't the right year, for starting a business, for starters.  I feel misled, the person who owns the shop I work out of started out being my friend, but she's not the person I thought she was, to say the least.  This is a toxic environment, honestly.  My space within the shop is sweet, and good, and inviting.  It's just a Herculean effort getting to this space, both physically and metaphorically speaking.

Reading cards isn't easy.  Reading cards in this store isn't at ALL easy.  Sitting here for 6-8 hours and NOT reading cards is somehow even harder, knowing that I could be packing, cleaning, reviewing documents pertinent to the House Situation, etc etc.

I'm sticking with it, though.  Here's why.  When I get into work, I have a whole opening ritual, where I go around my own shop cleaning, dusting, setting things up to be pretty.  I put temple bells on, over the speaker, or singing bowls, or cave chimes, and light a certain blend of incense that's designed to be attractive to folks, and give everyone that breathes it a sense of overall well being and mental good health.  I cast out a metaphorical net, calling people in who need me today.  I push my energy out as far as I can, in a blanket, hoping to touch someone that really just needs to talk.  And, every day that I do this, I get at least one person that *really* needed a reading.

I do it for them.

Last weekend was purely horrific, but I went in Sunday and wiped the slate clean, did my usual regimen, and I saw the people that needed me.  I read for a woman battling breast cancer, and I could see the end of it for her.  I saw that her body was rebuilding itself and strong.  I read for a woman who's abusive ex turned her adult children away from her for over 20 years, I saw that her eldest boy, the one she really thought was lost, was thinking about her and about to begin the process of rebuilding things with her.

When I'm sitting in the house, debating if it would be worth it to come in, I think of my customers.  If I can help give one struggling human some peace of mind, then the rest of the bullshit falls away, and the day becomes a Good Day.  Whether I make $20 or $200 that day, if I get one hug, one teary smile, one person that says "thank you, I feel so much better"  Then, it really is all worth it.  That's the joy that keeps me coming here every day, in spite of the toxicity that I have to fight. Or in spite of my own bad feelings.

It's rough.  If I don't blast music and occupy myself singing along, on the car ride here, I tend to do a lot of thinking.  Thinking is always bad these days.  There's nothing comforting, there's not really a light at the end of some proverbial tunnel, Life is in constant tumult.  If I get really thinking, then I start to break down, and my compartmentalization falls apart, and I become overwhelmed.  It happened today as I was driving in.  Thinking of my customers kept my car facing in the right direction, and kept me pushing to come in.

I know it sounds corny, but this is my calling.  It's not about the money, it's about who comes to me, who I can reach, who I can help.  It's a gift that I have, and I feel selfish just keeping it to myself.