Communications

Been picking up the cards again.  Like riding a bike?  I never forget how, but sometimes it's like pedaling uphill with a bad case of diarrhea, sometimes it's like downhill racing.  I feel like that uphill thing, now.  like, there's something really worthwhile on top of the hill, so I'm torturing myself by doing a bunch of bullshit off base readings, till the stuff starts hitting true again.  Warming up the gears, or something.

Last night, a friend started a conversation with me that started normally enough, and evolved into a philosophical theological discussion of the utmost rarity. In fact, Luiz is about the only person I've discussed this sort of innermost belief.  And, we're chatting about it like two people discuss fucking barbecue recipes.  It's really cool, and I hope a) my babbling doesn't drive the conversation into the ground, b) my normally deeply closeted philosophies sound alright, in text, because like a person that never speaks, I feel like my voice on this matter is cracked and hoarse.  I hope I make sense, at least a little.  From childhood, I've always been the most solitary of solitary practitioners, and only recently took on a "title".  I've never talked about it with anyone before Luiz.  I've always *known* my own shit, but to try to communicate that in a semi reasonable eloquent way is a complete challenge.  I try writing about it, but it's like writing about the color of your own hair or the shape of your fingernails. It's such an inherent and fully explored section of myself, it would bore me to try to capture it in words.  Or, sound redundant in my head.  But then, a conversation springs up, and I'm a stammering retard.